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This is the most valuable piece of advice I can give anyone who is wanting to succeed at anything and the piece of advice I wish I had discovered long, long ago. So what is deliberate practice? Deliberate practice is very intentional practice. Powell, Honey, and Symbaluk (2013) define it as, “Practice that is not inherently enjoyable and does not involve mere repetition; it instead involves intense concentration and considerable effort with a view towards improving one’s performance.” It’s practice that is done by yourself, away from teammates, away from others, away from any kind of recognition or praise. It’s training with a purpose. It’s training with 100% focus and attention. And it’s training that cannot be amounted for by any other kind of supplemental training. There is no short cut to success, only deliberate practice.

I want to copy an excerpt from my collegiate Learning and Behavior textbook that discusses this concept. Each season, I scan and highlight this article and give it to the kids that I coach as “homework” to read. I try to reinforce this idea of deliberate practice every training session because it really is the most valuable piece of advice I can offer.

 

Deliberate Practice and Expert Performance

Watson’s emphasis on the importance of nurture over nature in determining human behavior is often viewed with a great deal of skepticism. This is especially the case when it comes to behaviors that are indicative of exceptional ability. Most people, including many psychologists (e.g., Gardner, 1993), assume that, unless a person is born with a certain amount of talent, there are limits in how far he or she will be able to progress in a particular endeavor. Indeed, the notion that a Babe Ruth, Albert Einstein, or Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is to a large extent born, and not made, is part of the mystique surrounding these individuals.

But consider the following:

  • Expert performers in almost all fields of endeavor, ranging from music to athletics to chess, require a minimum of 10 years of intensive training before achieving a high level of performance. Even Mozart, who started composing at age 4, did not compose world-class music until his late teens. Mozart’s father was also a professional musician who published the first book on violin instruction and provided his children with intensive musical training from an early age. (Mozart’s reputation has also benefitted from dubious claims: for example, the notion that Mozart could compose entire works in memory and then write them down with little or no editing is based on a single passage in a supposed letter of his that is now believed to be a forgery [Colvin, 2008]).

  • As an experiment, a Hungarian educator, Polgar, set out to systematically train his daughters to become expert chess players. All three daughters have achieved high rankings in international chess, and one daughter, Judit, at one point held the record for becoming the youngest grand master ever, at 15 years of age.

  • The superlative abilities shown by experts are almost always specific to their field of endeavor. For example, chess experts have the ability to memorize the exact positions of all the chess pieces in a game after only a few seconds’ glance at the chessboard. But they perform no better than non-chess players at memorizing chess pieces randomly distributed around the board in a non-game pattern. As well, their performance on standard memory tests is typically no better than that of the average person.

  • Almost all of the remarkable feats displayed by savants - individuals of low intellectual ability who nevertheless possess some remarkable skill – have been taught to normal individuals. For example, the ability of some savants to name the day of the week for any arbitrary date (e.g., “What day of the week was June 30, 1854”) has been duplicated by ordinary college students after only a few weeks of training.

  • Excellent musicians often have perfect pitch, which many people assume is something a person is born with. Researchers, however, have been able to systematically train this ability in some adults. More importantly, people who display perfect pitch have almost always had considerable exposure to music at an early age. This suggests that, as with language development, there may be a critical period in early childhood during which perfect pitch can be more readily acquired.


Based on findings such as these, Ericsson, Krampe, and Tesch-Römer (1993; see also Ericsson & Charness, 1994) argued that the most critical factor in determining expert performance is not innate ability but deliberate practice. Deliberate practice is practice that is not inherently enjoyable and does not involve mere repetition; it instead involves intense concentration and considerable effort with a view toward improving one’s performance. More than any other variable, the accumulated amount of deliberate practice in an activity is strongly predictive of an individual’s level of performance.

For example, Ericsson et al. (1993) compared student violinists who were the “best” with those who were merely “good” and with those who were in training to become music teachers. The best students had accumulated about 7400 hours of deliberate practice by the age of 18, compared to 5300 hours for the good students and 3400 hours for the teachers-in-training. Such differences account for why elite performers so often report having begun their training at an early age. An early start enables one to accumulate the huge number of practice hours needed to outperform others. Those who begin at a later age are simply unable to catch up.

Because deliberate practice is so effortful, the amount that can be tolerated each day is necessarily limited. For this reason, elite performers often practice about 4 hours per day. Ericsson et al. (1993), for example, found that the best violin students engaged in solitary practice (which was judged to be the most important type of practice) for approximately 3.5 hours per day, spread out across two to three sessions, each session lasting an average of 80 minutes. Note that this did not include time spent receiving instruction, giving performances, or playing for enjoyment. The students also devoted about 3.5 hours a day to rest and recreation and obtained more than average amounts of sleep.

Top-level performers in intellectual pursuits display similar characteristics. Novelists typically write for about 3 to 4 hours each day, usually in the morning. Eminent scientists likewise write for a few hours each morning – the writing of articles arguable being the most important activity determining their success – and then devote the rest of the day to other duties.

B.F. Skinner is especially instructive in this regard. In his later life, he would rise at midnight and write for 1 hour, then rise again at 5:00 A.M. and write for another 2 hours. The remainder of the morning was devoted to correspondence and other professional tasks, while much of the afternoon was devoted to leisure activities such as tinkering in his workshop and listening to music. He deliberately resisted any urge to engage in serious writing at other times of the day, feeling that this often resulted in poor-quality writing the next morning. However, the limited amount of writing he did each day was more than compensated for by the consistency with which he wrote, resulting in a steady stream of influential articles and books throughout his career (Bjork, 1993). Skinner (1987) recommended that students adopt a similar approach to improve the quality of their writing. Congruent with this, effective college students are more likely to describe themselves as utilizing a balanced approach to studying, involving regular study sessions with frequent breaks, than a driven approach, involving few breaks and studying to the point of exhaustion (Bouvier & Powell, 2008).

 

Wow. Powerful stuff right? So why is this so valuable? It’s valuable because it confronts the nature / nurture debate and provides ample evidence that elite performers are made, not born. This is powerful because it means that we are all capable of becoming elite in whatever it is we desire. The only pre-requisite? Deliberate practice.


Every week I give the kids that I coach homework. Their homework is typically to go home and juggle. Every. Single. Day. Why do I make them juggle? For numerous reasons. Firstly, it’s easily measurable. Once a week at practice I give the girls 5 minutes to juggle to reach their highest score which they report to me and I record in a journal. I believe children love to see their progress and this is an objective way to achieve that. Secondly, juggling improves their first touch. Thirdly, juggling requires nothing but space and a ball. And lastly, it’s less about juggling and more about adopting this mentality of deliberate practice. Recording their juggles makes it very clear to me as a coach which players have this mentality and consequently, the players I am more likely to invest in. I have been doing this specific training with most of these girls for a year now and one of my players, who started off with just 6 juggles, is now reaching over 500. How often does she juggle? Every day for 30-45 minutes. Does she have schoolwork? Absolutely. But she prioritises juggling because she wants to succeed in soccer. And with this mentality, she will.

I explain to my kids that the role of a coach is to provide their players with the resources to become better players, but we can’t do the work for them. Much like in school, if students wish to learn, they have to invest time in studying and doing homework. Sport is no different. Team practices are like school. I am a teacher. I provide the girls with the resources and the feedback to become better players, but the improvement comes outside of practice. Or, as I like to say, champions are made when the stands are empty. In other words, elite players become elite because of what they do when no one is watching. They have integrity. They have commitment. And they have focus.

Let me clarify what I mean by commitment – showing up to team practice, despite what my college teammates believed, is not commitment. That’s the bare minimum. As mentioned in the article, “Elite performers often practiced for 4 hours per day…this did NOT include time spent receiving instruction, giving performances, or playing for enjoyment.” Showing up to team practices will not make you elite. It will make you average. Will you improve? Yes. But gradually. And very, very slowly. When you practice by yourself though, that is when you see significant improvements. That is when you accomplish big milestones. That is when you become elite.

I often share two personal stories with my girls about this. When I was around 12 years old, I couldn’t chip the ball in the air and I really wanted to be able to. There was no way that I was going to learn at team practice when I could only attempt it maybe 10 times at most. So I went out on my tennis court and I would kick hundreds of balls. And I failed. Boy did I fail. Over and over again. But that is why I succeeded. I eventually kicked it in the air. But, I didn’t stop there. I kept trying until I wasn’t just competent with my right foot, but with my left foot too. Now I can play long balls with almost pin point accuracy.


And then there were national camps. At 14, I went to my first Australian camp. The coaches asked us all to juggle for ten or so minutes, which seems like a seemingly simple task for a 14 year old attending a national camp right? Not for me. I couldn’t even get the ball in the air let alone juggle 10 times. Meanwhile, all the other girls were juggling well into the hundreds. I felt so embarrassed. I was humiliated. I SUCKED! I was way out of my league. I wanted to cry. And I wanted to get on the first flight back to Adelaide. But I didn’t. I endured the humiliation. And I survived…just. When I returned home, I vouched to never feel like that again. I went out every morning for 15 minutes and taught myself how to juggle. I started juggling on my thighs just to get the rhythm of left leg, right leg, left leg, right leg, then I progressed to using my feet – both feet – by kicking it in the air once and catching it. Then twice and catching it. And I did this until I could comfortably juggle with both feet well into the hundreds.

Would I have achieved either of these milestones had I not practiced by myself? Probably not. How much time at practice can one actually devote to learning a new skill? As a coach I can tell you, it’s not much. In practice, you might touch the ball what, 200, 300 times, but by yourself, you can accumulate 5-10 times that amount in the same duration. In college, I used to love summer when we didn’t train with the team, why? Because that’s when I actually saw myself improve. When you think about it logically, deliberate practice isn’t just the right way to improve, it’s the only way.

I have written exclusively about soccer in this post, but this concept applies to every aspect of your life that you wish to improve upon. Take love and relationships for example. Most of us believe that we will become better at relationships by being in them. And yes, there is some truth in that. But being in a relationship is like showing up for a team practice – the coach, your partner in this instance, is providing you with the resources to become better, things you can work on. But, much like in sport, your improvement will happen outside of your relationship. So long as you never intentionally invest in yourself outside of your relationships, your relationships will only gradually get better. If you wish to see significant improvements or accomplish milestones in your love life and your relationships, then you must obtain this mentality of deliberate practice with yourself. And I’m not just talking about being “single” for a few months. I’m talking about investing significant time and effort in getting to know who you are. For whatever reason, we think that love and relationships are exempt from this kind of mentality that anything good in life we have to work for. Much like elite athletes don’t magically stumble upon playing professionally without working for it, we cannot magically stumble upon exceptional, intimate, and authentic love. We too, have to work for it. Want somewhere to start? Check out www.authenticlovecoaching.com. And if you aren’t willing to intentionally invest in yourself, you will never experience “elite” kind of love.

Elite athletes and elite performers and elite musicians are not born with exceptional abilities. We are all born with a plastic brain that is capable of learning and becoming whatever it is that we desire, but only through intentional, focused, and effortful practice. Learning this, accepting this, and implementing this mentality will change your life. Previous seemingly unrealistic dreams are now realistically obtainable through this method and belief that nurture trumps nature. So if excellence is what you seek, deliberate practice is your answer.

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In life we have two options: be an author, or be a victim. We can hold ourselves accountable, or we can be unaccountable. We can be the drivers, or we can be the passengers. We can allow life to happen for us, or to us. We can look internally for the solutions, or we can externalise and never find a solution. We can actively write our future, or we can passively read it as it happens. If excellence is what you seek, being a victim will never suffice.

I’ve been a victim. Shit, my entire life I’ve been a victim. Life always happened to me. People always left me. Bad things followed me. Injuries cursed me. Partners always betrayed me. Whenever something bad happened in my life, I was always a victim. I found excuses, not a solution. Worse though, the people I was surrounded around encouraged this mentality. They allowed me to ruminate, externalise, and blame. They empathised with me. Cried with me. But what they didn’t do, was challenge me. And that’s because they saw themselves in me.



We readily take and accept this passive approach in life. We believe that when a friend is struggling, they are going to come to us if they need anything. But if you recall in my second post, The Power of Vulnerability, I challenged individuals to take an active approach in vulnerability. Actively create an environment in which someone feels comfortable and safe to be vulnerable. Better yet, invest your time. Time is the most valuable gift because you can’t get a refund on it. To me, it’s the best way for someone to communicate they care.

In regards to life, take control of it. We have this unrealistic belief that we are going to magically stumble upon the job that is perfect for us. Does it happen? Sure, but rarely. Do you think elite athletes become elite by choosing the passive approach? By choosing to be a victim? Or do they choose to write their destiny? Willing not only to do their best, but to do whatever it takes, even if that means something that is unnatural for them?


I read something in The One Thing by Gary Keller the other day that really resonated with me. “If we tackle something with all “E” and then hit a ceiling of achievement, we simply bounce up against it, over and over and over. This continues until we just can’t take the disappointment anymore, become resigned to this being the only outcome we can ever have, and eventually seek out greener pastures elsewhere.” The “E” that he is referring to in this paragraph is the entrepreneurial approach; it’s our natural approach that has a ceiling of achievement. This paragraph spoke to me with specific regards to my injuries. No matter what I seemed to do or how many breaks I gave my body, or how well I seemingly looked after my body, I would always get injured just when I was reaching my peak performance. Each injury a setback and an increasingly heartbreaking disappointment. So much so that I considered never playing soccer again and just coaching for the rest of my life. But soccer is my passion and I cannot envision a future without playing it. So how do I overcome this seemingly endless cycle of repeating “misfortunes”? Well, if I want a different result, I have to take a different approach. And that starts with my beliefs.

I have to believe that my body loves me and is actually working with me. So long as I believe that my body hates me and that I’m essentially a victim, I will continue looking for reasons to affirm that belief. I will essentially create an energy that ensures this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, I have to choose to be an author. Next, I must find an alternative method. And I think I’ve found it. I’m currently working with one of my highly qualified chiropractic friends on retraining my neurological wiring and firing. These exercises are definitely not glorified. They suck. And they’re hard. They also don’t directly create that aesthetically pleasing body that has been disproportionally important to me over the years. But, they serve a purpose. And that purpose is to create a strong foundational basis of movement patterns that will ultimately decrease the likelihood of injury and increase functionality. In a few weeks, I plan on investing in my friend’s 12 week gold training program to give myself the best opportunity at performing and sustaining my excellence. What I love about this approach is that it’s holistic. Typical trainers and physical therapists focus solely on the injury that they neglect to consider the neurological movement patterns that contributed to the injury. I think my friend is onto something big here. And if you’re interested in her programs (she has three; bronze, silver, and gold; 4, 8, and 12 week programs respectively), please check out her website http://www.sportsfxn.com/ .

Many of us can agree that in order to find the “perfect” job we have to create it for ourselves. Whether that’s by obtaining a degree, or gaining experience through subsequent jobs, we must take an active approach. Purpose does not “fall into our lap”, we must actively discover it. And love is no different. Many of us have this “lottery ticket” mentality. We believe, because of how we’ve been conditioned through movies, books, social media, and peoples’ desire to portray highlight-reel realities of themselves, that we can all be passive princes and princesses and love will find us. How many people though, do you really know that are in a relationship and truly happy? Chances are, not many. The reason? The majority of us take a passive approach when it comes to love. In order to find the love that we want, we must first create it. And we create it by getting to know ourselves. Once we know ourselves to our deepest, authentic core, we will then start attracting what we are.


If we want to be good at anything, we have to work for it. Love and relationships are not an exception. But as Gary Keller said, if we keep doing what we’re doing, we’re going to do what we’ve always done. Our relationship cycles and what we experience and attract will never change. We will reach a ceiling of achievement, of intimacy, of satisfaction. In order to go beyond these limits, we must change our approach. And that is what I am presently doing with Kaleb Bollen’s Authentic Love Coaching course. He has just created a very affordable 7 day Transform your love life course that will help you experience more intimate and authentic relationships. If you’re interested, please check out his website www.authenticlovecoaching.com .

So I challenge you all to be authors. Write your destiny. Do not succumb to the contagious victim mentality that surrounds you. Own what happens to you. Be accountable. Be active. Be free. Excellence awaits you. So too do intimacy and authenticity. Create and design the life and love that you want. Do not let life define you. You are strong. You are resilient. You are empowered. So go forth and write the best damn story the universe has ever told.


I’ve had a few very good conversations centred around this topic of late, many of which have been inspired by someone who lives and loves authentically. I’m sure many of you would agree with me that in today’s day and age, dating is hard. Or is it? Is anything in life truly hard, or is it merely our thinking that makes it so? As William Shakespeare quotes, “Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. I read an interesting article the other day titled, “Why modern day dating makes me want to punch myself in the throat,” in which the author, Melissa Moeller, explains the difficulty in today’s dating scene. She explains how everything is a “game” where every text, every conversation, and every interaction is carefully calculated to be thoughtless and to create this apathetic image that many have come to believe is the idealistic image of someone who’s single. You can’t text someone twice without appearing needy. Texting back straight away means you’re too eager. They took four hours to text you? Well you need to take five hours to text them back. How fucking exhausting does this sound?! Sadly though, we’ve all been victims to this mentality.


I can empathise with this article because I’ve done that. I’ve been there. I’ve played those games. But it’s exhausting. And it’s fake. And it’s not me. Do you ever wonder why you keep attracting the “wrong” partner? Well consider this. What image are you putting out to the universe when you play these games? Are you being authentically you, or are you creating an image of what you think the other person wants? I suspect the latter. So when you behave in ways that you think other people are going to like, not only is that draining and inauthentic, but this other person starts to like this inauthentic version of yourself. And then, months go by and after numerous conflicts have ensued because well, he/she really doesn’t actually like that emotional side of you, you realise that you two just aren’t compatible. And worse, you realise that all of this could have been resolved within the first few days of merely talking. How? Simple. Being your authentic self. Want to send that text? Send it! Miss someone and it’s only been five minutes? Tell them! Chances are that if they don’t like it, they’re not right for you. “You will be too much for some people. Those aren’t your people.” – Lara Frazier. If you want someone to start liking you for who you are, then start being who you are. Stop overthinking things. Be impulsive. Be abrasive. The sooner you figure out that this person isn’t for you, the sooner you can start attracting those that are for you.

This brings me to my next point: change your story. After many failed relationships, it’s not uncommon for people to create clear images of the partner they don’t want. For me, I didn’t want to date another dishonest individual. So that is all that I thought about, dishonest individuals. What image am I putting out to the universe? I’m putting out one of what I don’t want. So what do you think I kept attracting? I kept attracting what I didn’t want merely because that’s what I was thinking about and focusing on. If I tell you not to think about a pink elephant, what are you going to think about? Well, a pink elephant. If I tell myself that I don’t want a dishonest partner, what am I going to think about and thus attract? A dishonest individual. When we change our image, we change our story. After the last girl I was seeing, I became very clear of what it was that I wanted in a partner. I even wrote it down in a document titled, “Putting it out to the universe”. In it, I stated what was important to me, the non-negotiables. Honesty and accountability were top, followed closely by integrity and being loved with one’s entire heart. Other attributes I sought were kindness and respect, not just for me, but for all human life. And within four months, I attracted this exact person. I am now talking to someone who has been nothing but honest and forthcoming with their feelings and who has shown me the most pure and innocent form of love I could have imagined, one in which there are no reservations. We didn’t play games. I straightforwardly confessed my feelings for her, and she to me. And smoothly, things have progressed since.

Now to the next question, are we dating? Not in conventional standards. We are not officially together, but that does not mean we are any less “committed” to one another. How is that so you may ask? Recall my former post about labels and how labels are only bad if you have an attachment to them? Well, admittedly, I have an attachment to the “girlfriend girlfriend” title. For whatever reason, that title internally changes things for me. When someone is my girlfriend, I start to have expectations of how they ought to behave. I become extremely possessive as though I own them. I want that title because it offers me security, but security, as I am learning, is just an illusion. Why did I feel I needed a title for this security? Well, because if we are dating, then it’s understood we won’t talk to anyone else and we certainly won’t be getting with anyone else. This person is mine and mine only. They are something that is good and I want to hold onto that. And that is possessiveness. And that is unattractive. It also suggests that it will be a lot harder for this person to leave because now they will have to “break up” with me. Again, allowing me to hold onto what is good, even if it isn’t good at the time. The truth is, a title shouldn’t change anything. And if it does, then you have to question why you need the title. If it’s for any of the reasons that I mentioned above, is that really a healthy place to be? I define love as loving someone with the freedom to be themselves without the fear of you leaving. And even if you or they do leave, then that is okay too. Because I would not want someone to be with me out of obligation to preserve the sacredness of exclusive dating. I would want them to be with me only if they wanted to be. “If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up, it dies and ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. It is about appreciation.” – Osho


Here’s the thing about open relationships, they’re not automatically easy. Nor are relationships. We have this unrealistic expectation that we have to be good at something the first time we try it, which just doesn’t make any logical sense. Becoming good at something takes time and it takes mistakes and it takes failures. What I am learning though, is the importance of communication. Speak your mind. Be true to who you are and what you feel. I was challenged this weekend with a situation in which a guy took this girl that I have feelings for out on a date because he wanted to show her “a good time”. I was conflicted. My head wanted her to enjoy everything that this experience had to offer, whatever that entailed. But my heart was a fucking mess. My heart felt possessive. Jealous. Insecure. So, what did I choose to do? I acted on my head and I encouraged her to have a great time, but I later communicated my internal struggle. I intentionally waited until her night was over to divulge these feelings; I did not want to detract away from her experience nor did I want her to worry about reassuring me – I know these insecurities are mine and I take full responsibility for them. Despite not knowing my struggle, she still managed to say and do absolutely everything I needed her to, and better yet, it was genuine and not prompted by her desire to make me feel better.

Where do these insecurities stem from? I recently had a breakthrough the other day. I have played the victim card for so many years of my life. One of the first things I tell anyone that I’m talking to is that I have a big insecurity of being left because essentially everyone that I’ve ever talked to or dated has left me for someone else. Let’s look at this statement for a moment. This language suggests that being left was done to me. It is as though these girls that I was seeing intentionally left me for someone else to hurt me and that is just not so. What they did, they did for them. They did not do to me. Things are not done to you, rather, they are done for you. Our first response when we believe we have been unfairly treated is to blame and externalise. What if we changed that? What if we instead, tried to understand? I recently offered an apology to the last girl that I was seeing for this exact reason. I was so caught up in this victim mentality that I did not try to understand her perspective of pursuing things with another individual. I assumed that it meant I was not a priority and that she didn’t love me; she had done to me what everyone else had done, left me for someone else. But that is just not true. This was not done to me, but for me. Without that experience, I wouldn’t be sharing this extremely beautiful exchange with the current girl that I am talking to.

So what advice can I offer you? Simply, just be yourself. Be your complete, authentic self. Stop the games. Live recklessly. Be wild. Love without reservations. Become clear on what it is you want. Change your image and you’ll change your story. Communicate. Speak your mind. Seek to understand, not blame. And remember, life is done for you and not to you. We’re all just beautiful creatures trying to figure out this thing called life and what better place to start than being exactly who you are.

If what I have written resonates with any of you, please check out Kaleb Bollen's Facebook page, he is the inspiration behind many of these thoughts.

Also, here is the link to the article I referenced in my first paragraph: http://thoughtcatalog.com/melissa-moeller/2016/04/why-modern-dating-makes-me-want-to-punch-myself-in-the-throat/



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