• nicole calder

Be the author of your life

In life we have two options: be an author, or be a victim. We can hold ourselves accountable, or we can be unaccountable. We can be the drivers, or we can be the passengers. We can allow life to happen for us, or to us. We can look internally for the solutions, or we can externalise and never find a solution. We can actively write our future, or we can passively read it as it happens. If excellence is what you seek, being a victim will never suffice.

I’ve been a victim. Shit, my entire life I’ve been a victim. Life always happened to me. People always left me. Bad things followed me. Injuries cursed me. Partners always betrayed me. Whenever something bad happened in my life, I was always a victim. I found excuses, not a solution. Worse though, the people I was surrounded around encouraged this mentality. They allowed me to ruminate, externalise, and blame. They empathised with me. Cried with me. But what they didn’t do, was challenge me. And that’s because they saw themselves in me.



We readily take and accept this passive approach in life. We believe that when a friend is struggling, they are going to come to us if they need anything. But if you recall in my second post, The Power of Vulnerability, I challenged individuals to take an active approach in vulnerability. Actively create an environment in which someone feels comfortable and safe to be vulnerable. Better yet, invest your time. Time is the most valuable gift because you can’t get a refund on it. To me, it’s the best way for someone to communicate they care.

In regards to life, take control of it. We have this unrealistic belief that we are going to magically stumble upon the job that is perfect for us. Does it happen? Sure, but rarely. Do you think elite athletes become elite by choosing the passive approach? By choosing to be a victim? Or do they choose to write their destiny? Willing not only to do their best, but to do whatever it takes, even if that means something that is unnatural for them?


I read something in The One Thing by Gary Keller the other day that really resonated with me. “If we tackle something with all “E” and then hit a ceiling of achievement, we simply bounce up against it, over and over and over. This continues until we just can’t take the disappointment anymore, become resigned to this being the only outcome we can ever have, and eventually seek out greener pastures elsewhere.” The “E” that he is referring to in this paragraph is the entrepreneurial approach; it’s our natural approach that has a ceiling of achievement. This paragraph spoke to me with specific regards to my injuries. No matter what I seemed to do or how many breaks I gave my body, or how well I seemingly looked after my body, I would always get injured just when I was reaching my peak performance. Each injury a setback and an increasingly heartbreaking disappointment. So much so that I considered never playing soccer again and just coaching for the rest of my life. But soccer is my passion and I cannot envision a future without playing it. So how do I overcome this seemingly endless cycle of repeating “misfortunes”? Well, if I want a different result, I have to take a different approach. And that starts with my beliefs.

I have to believe that my body loves me and is actually working with me. So long as I believe that my body hates me and that I’m essentially a victim, I will continue looking for reasons to affirm that belief. I will essentially create an energy that ensures this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, I have to choose to be an author. Next, I must find an alternative method. And I think I’ve found it. I’m currently working with one of my highly qualified chiropractic friends on retraining my neurological wiring and firing. These exercises are definitely not glorified. They suck. And they’re hard. They also don’t directly create that aesthetically pleasing body that has been disproportionally important to me over the years. But, they serve a purpose. And that purpose is to create a strong foundational basis of movement patterns that will ultimately decrease the likelihood of injury and increase functionality. In a few weeks, I plan on investing in my friend’s 12 week gold training program to give myself the best opportunity at performing and sustaining my excellence. What I love about this approach is that it’s holistic. Typical trainers and physical therapists focus solely on the injury that they neglect to consider the neurological movement patterns that contributed to the injury. I think my friend is onto something big here. And if you’re interested in her programs (she has three; bronze, silver, and gold; 4, 8, and 12 week programs respectively), please check out her website http://www.sportsfxn.com/ .

Many of us can agree that in order to find the “perfect” job we have to create it for ourselves. Whether that’s by obtaining a degree, or gaining experience through subsequent jobs, we must take an active approach. Purpose does not “fall into our lap”, we must actively discover it. And love is no different. Many of us have this “lottery ticket” mentality. We believe, because of how we’ve been conditioned through movies, books, social media, and peoples’ desire to portray highlight-reel realities of themselves, that we can all be passive princes and princesses and love will find us. How many people though, do you really know that are in a relationship and truly happy? Chances are, not many. The reason? The majority of us take a passive approach when it comes to love. In order to find the love that we want, we must first create it. And we create it by getting to know ourselves. Once we know ourselves to our deepest, authentic core, we will then start attracting what we are.


If we want to be good at anything, we have to work for it. Love and relationships are not an exception. But as Gary Keller said, if we keep doing what we’re doing, we’re going to do what we’ve always done. Our relationship cycles and what we experience and attract will never change. We will reach a ceiling of achievement, of intimacy, of satisfaction. In order to go beyond these limits, we must change our approach. And that is what I am presently doing with Kaleb Bollen’s Authentic Love Coaching course. He has just created a very affordable 7 day Transform your love life course that will help you experience more intimate and authentic relationships. If you’re interested, please check out his website www.authenticlovecoaching.com .

So I challenge you all to be authors. Write your destiny. Do not succumb to the contagious victim mentality that surrounds you. Own what happens to you. Be accountable. Be active. Be free. Excellence awaits you. So too do intimacy and authenticity. Create and design the life and love that you want. Do not let life define you. You are strong. You are resilient. You are empowered. So go forth and write the best damn story the universe has ever told.

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