Challenging coaching

“Leading by example is not the best way to influence people, it’s the only way,” (Gormley, 2013). As a coach, I understand and wholly accept the responsibilities associated with being a leader. One must never underestimate the power of a single person, and for this reason, I acknowledge the power I possess in influencing individuals’ lives. I strongly believe that through a firm and adaptive coaching philosophy, I can teach and promote character development amongst my players. Players might forget what I say or what I do, but I know they will never forget how I made them feel.

One of my main priorities as a coach is teaching these young adults about personal accountability. What I expect from these young adults will be no greater than what I expect from myself. I strongly encourage players to take risks and make mistakes because the way I see it, the only way you can improve is if you challenge yourself by taking risks, make mistakes, and learn from them. If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not living. I accept and acknowledge that I am not perfect, I am not always right, and I will make mistakes, but I hope that I have the maturity and the humility to admit when I am wrong. I also ask this from each of my players. One of the best methods to increase accountability is through personal evaluations and timely feedback. I do not believe in sugar coating criticism, I believe in being completely honest, direct, and transparent with all communication. At times, this may come across as brutally harsh, but I want my players to understand it’s only because I care and I genuinely want what’s best for them. I plan on pushing these young adults to their limits and beyond, I want to help them believe in themselves as much as I believe in them, and I want them to have aspirations far beyond any they’ve previously acquired. In order to evaluate their individual progress as well as my own progress, I plan on creating pre-, during, and post- surveys for each of my players to complete in regards to the season, the team, and myself as a coach. You cannot solve a problem if you do not know one exists, thus through these evaluative surveys, I will be able to objectively identify, and hopefully resolve, potential problems.

Communication is absolutely key in every relationship. Many conflicts and problems arise from miscommunication and misinterpreting the message from the other party. These issues can be easily avoided with face-to-face, honest communication. I emphasise face-to-face communication because a lot of the times messages are misinterpreted because the way in which the message is delivered is lost, especially through technology. I also emphasise face-to-face communication because over 70% of all communication is nonverbal. For this reason, I strongly encourage and ask all of my players to maintain eye contact when talking to me. Although this might seem intimidating, it ensures both the player and myself are engaged in the conversation. I firmly believe that the best way to get respect is to give respect. Because of that, I will respect all of my players as the individual young adults that they are, but accompanying this respect is the expectation that they will also behave like one. In order to promote personal accountability, I rarely want to hear from parents. If a player has any issue whatsoever, I want them to come directly to me. I will ensure I, as expected from my players, respond to the issue truthfully and respectfully.

To me, winning has no bearing on my definition of success. As John Wooden states so eloquently, “Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.” At the end of the day, if you can look every player and coach in the eye and honestly tell me you played your heart out and did the best that you could possibly do, then that to me is the true definition of success. Success is not something that is quantifiable or measurable. It is not something that is defined by one moment, rather, a collection of moments; the journey, the process. Success also comes from within; it comes from a burning desire to reach your excellence. I do not believe in extrinsic rewards, nor will I use them as my primary method of reinforcement. Nothing is more beneficial to individuals than intrinsic motivation. Once players master the art of playing for self-satisfaction and pride rather than for recognition and praise, then they will be successful. I want to encourage and remind players who they are really competing with. At the end of the day, the only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday. Continually comparing yourself with others not only sets up the environment for failure, but also hinders the opportunity to reach one’s excellence. As long as you’re improving and learning from your mistakes, you’re one step closer to being the best person you can become.

A core value that I hope to instill in my players is the art of being integral. Integrity is defined as what you do when no one is watching; champions are made when the stadiums are empty. What separates a great player from an excellent player is the amount of time they invest outside of practices and games. Some skills require mundane, monotonous repetition from individuals which are unrealistic to be obtained or performed during practice. I believe that players can improve their technical skills more from the hours invested outside of practice rather than those invested in practice. It is my responsibility as their coach, however, to guide and provide these players with the necessary techniques required to reach their excellence. As mentioned in UNC’s twelve core values, the truly extraordinary do something every day. In order to be the best, you must learn from the best. My players will become students of the game; they will watch film and they will watch as much professional soccer as their time permits. Although not as heavily emphasised, I also encourage my players to read. Read about successful individuals and their autobiographies and attempt to identify why they became so successful. It will invariably be the individual’s attitude, not talent, that separates them from the rest. For this reason, I would rather have players with an extraordinary attitude than an individual with extraordinary talent. Although talent is necessary to truly succeed, a positive attitude is necessary in order to be coached. One thing that cannot be taught and that I am more inclined to favor over any other quality, is passion. A player who is passionate, who gives it their all, all the time, will invariably play. You cannot tell someone to want something; it has to come from within. A player with this passion, this competitive fire, is more valuable than any talented player on any team.

In order for me to maximise each individual’s potential, I must first invest in each individual player, not only as members of my team, but as humans of this world too, “Players don’t care what you know, until they know you care.” Not only do I care about these players’ growth and development on the soccer field, but my primary focus is watching them grow and develop their character. Although I promote caring about my players, I respect that there is a fine line between friendship and a working relationship and in order to maximise their potential, I must maintain a professional working relationship. I will disclose information about my personal life only as appropriate and necessary to gain players’ trust. I do not hesitate to admit that I will have favorites nor will I deny that I will treat each and every one of them differently. I strongly associate myself with the following quote from John Wooden, “I will attempt to give each player the treatment that he earns and deserves according to my judgment and in keeping what I consider to be in the best interest of the team.” In order to do this, I must know each athlete and what makes them ‘tick’ and how to maximise their ability. So when it appears that my actions are “different”, find reassurance that all of you are different too and respond differently to various stimuli. It is my responsibility, therefore, to find the stimulus that stimulates you most effectively.

“Teamwork doesn’t appear magically just because someone mouths the words. It doesn’t thrive just because of the presence of talent or ambition. It doesn’t flourish simply because a team has tasted success,” (Riley, 1993, pp. 15-16). Another key element of a successful team is producing a team environment that is conducive to maximising individual character development. A key component of building character is knowing when to discipline and how to discipline. As a team, we will devise a set of rules and consequences which all must obey. There will be a few rules that are non-negotiable though. For instance, there will be absolutely no tolerance for bullying. On or off the field, this behavior is not condoned and will be disciplined immediately. I strongly advise against running as a form of punishment as it can strongly discourage players and force them to turn against you as a coach. I do, however, believe in using playing time to discipline players. In order to remain credible amongst my players and parents, my disciplinary actions must be consistent, regardless if you’re a starter or a bench player, there will be no difference in consequences. Another major determinant of producing a successful team is team unity. No player is bigger than the team, nor is any team bigger than its individual players, “The strength of the wolf is in the pack and the strength of the pack is in the wolf.” In order to consistently perform at our excellence, the team must be united especially because we’re only as strong as our weakest player. I cannot force you to play for each other, but I can create an environment in which players feel like they belong to a large family and WANT to play for each other. You do not have to like everyone on the team, but you do have to love them like family. This implies that you will not only hold yourself accountable, but you will also hold your teammates, your sisters accountable too. Part of being a successful teammate is knowing and accepting your role on the team. Although you might not like your role, you must ensure you do everything you can to succeed in this role, because succeeding in your role will strongly increase the chances of succeeding as a team. When something goes wrong, we do not blame or point fingers; we win as a team and we lose as a team. We take accountability for our actions, or inactions, and we discuss how we go about resolving this in order to prevent it from reoccurring.

In regards to developing players’ technical skills, I encourage them to spend more time working on their strengths rather than their weaknesses. This might seem absurd, but let me explain. If every player only works on their weaknesses, then they’re essentially becoming “average”. If every player works on their strengths, however, they are becoming exceptional. As a coach, I will play players for what they can do, not for what they can’t do. This doesn’t mean players should completely ignore their weaknesses, but I do believe they should invest more time specialising in their strengths.

I firmly believe that what goes on off the field is more important than what goes on on the field. Many games are not decided on which team is technically better, most games are decided upon who wants it more. For me, every game is important and no game is more important than the game that we are playing that week. Sure, some games will be more physical than others, but they are all equally important, they are all an opportunity to better ourselves as individuals and collectively as a team. In order to prepare for these games, players must remember they can only control the controllables. We cannot control the weather, nor can we control the ref, and we also cannot control the way we perform on any given day, but we can control the following three things; work ethic, attitude, and body language. Once players control what they can control, their performance will increase significantly. As they say, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it. I also strongly believe that failing to prepare is preparing to fail. Nutrition and rest are two key components of preparation. The necessary rest and sleep is vital to function at optimal performance. Nutrition is also just as important; we are only as good as the food we put into our body. Would you put diesel into a brand new Ferrari? No. By eating “fast food” before a game, that is essentially what you are doing. Your body is a sacred masterpiece and must be cared for accordingly. For this reason, I have attached an in-depth, informative document regarding the foods necessary to fuel your body.

I believe the best way to practice is to adopt the same mental arousal as utilised in games. Although this is extremely demanding and taxing mentally, it is the only way to truly ensure an optimal environment for individual and team development. This arousal will be developed through strict, realistic routines and firm discipline. Depending on my training schedule, I will either hold one or two technical training sessions a week which will be short, sharp, and intense. In the other training session(s), I will focus primarily on tactical skills using the games approach.

I understand and wholly accept that I am responsible for the development of these players, both as athletes, and as people. I also understand that the best way to influence these young adults is by modeling appropriate behavior. By caring about each player individually, I also ask that each player does the same. One thing that is severely lacking in society is our ability to express empathy. By caring about all players, especially injured players, I hope to develop these individuals’ empathy towards others and themselves. My vision with these players, will therefore, focus on developing transparency, accountability, empathy, and a love for the process – not the destination.

*Please note: This document is my unedited coaching philosophy that I submitted back in late 2013.

A Series of Fortunate Events

Over the past two and a bit weeks, I have experienced a series of impeccably beautiful interactions whilst also uncovering some profound insights about my life and the lessons that have been repeating themselves. And all of this started about five weeks ago when I made a spontaneous decision to accompany my friends to Sydney and then to Hamilton Island.

I’ve been wanting to visit my friend on Hamilton Island for some time now, but never felt courageous enough to do so. Given that she had attempted to meet up with me on numerous occasions within the past two years, I felt it was my turn to make the effort. Having friends accompany me to the island gave me the courage in which to pursue this interaction. And I am beyond grateful I did because I would not be at this place without having shared that insightful exchange with her.

Despite having only spent one night with her, I’ve found myself reflecting on many revelational statements that she shared. She offered some extremely applicable team bonding exercises that I could use with my teams whilst also talking about her mentor, a motivational speaker, who essentially calls her out on her shit. I immediately responded with; “That’s what I need! How do I find me one of them?!” So she suggested to go onto LinkedIn and type in “motivational speakers” in Adelaide…how awesome is that suggestion?! Sidenote: In addition to following through with this idea, I contacted her mentor directly and asked her if she knew anyone in Adelaide who was a motivational speaker and was willing to potentially be my mentor. Through the power of connections, she did indeed know someone and I am planning on catching up with her when I return to Radelaide.

We then got talking about individuals who seemingly attach onto us (“wounded animals” as she likes to call them), and I asked her how she navigates those relationships without letting it drain her or emotionally affect her. Her response? “Be friendly, not friends.” And I really liked that phrase. It communicates that you can still care, whilst also keeping and establishing boundaries that clearly convey you are not there to save them.

Speaking of energy, we got talking about injuries and I mentioned how I seemingly get injured whenever I’m reaching my peak performance. She asked if there was perhaps a self-sabotaging mechanism in place, an unconscious victim mentality if you will, that was inhibiting my ability to truly succeed. I had already considered this idea, but I had no idea how I could possibly change this subconscious belief without some unconventional method that taps into energy. Ah! Energy! Perhaps that’s what I needed – to see an energy healer or Reiki therapist to unblock my chakras. I’ve always been sceptical of energy healers because it isn’t conventional, but at this point in my life, I was genuinely open to anything new that could potentially help.

The interaction with this friend inspired me to commit to reading A New Earth again - I felt this gnawing need to reconnect to the spiritual path I was so consciously on two and a half years ago when I first read it. Within the first two chapters, I read this excerpt that has been ingrained on my mind ever since; “When you yield internally, when you surrender, a new dimension of consciousness opens up…Circumstances and people then become helpful, cooperative. Coincidences happen.” The day after I got back from Hamo, I was sharing some of these ideas with my strength and conditioning coach who mentioned that his partner’s Mum’s best friend was an energy healer. So naturally, he passed on her information and I had an appointment that Wednesday. Pretty neat huh?

This interaction with my beautiful energy healer then connected me with both a naturopath and a former teammate of mine who is now a health coach. I attended yoga for the first time with her and was so impressed with her ability to accommodate individuals of varying abilities that I am already planning to attend weekly sessions when I return. As for the naturopath? I’ve never been into “healthy eating” (with specific regards to organic food) because I figured we’re all going to die anyway, why limit what you eat? But after attending her workshop, I’m completely bought in. And perhaps that’s because I align with why she’s doing it; she didn’t charge for the workshop, nor does she charge to mentor individuals after they attend her workshop because she genuinely just wants to live in a healthier world. And the company she recommends, Mōdere? They don’t advertise. Their advertisement is word of mouth. So there’s a potential business opportunity with them to become a social marketer. Again, pretty cool huh?

Now onto some more introspective stuff. One of the questions I’ve asked myself on numerous occasions is, “Why do I keep attracting the individuals that I do?” And my ego, being so clever and wanting to justify the “goodness” within me, would say something like, “It’s because you’re helping them in a vulnerable state causing them to attach onto you.” Which makes sense, doesn’t it? I’m doing the noble deed, but it’s them that has the problem. Here’s the reality though; we attract the energy we elicit. So as one of my friends stated, on some level, I was communicating to these individuals that that was exactly the energy I wanted in my life.

It wasn’t until a very recent interaction with an incredibly beautiful individual that everything seemed to make sense. Whilst in Canada, I had an amazing lesson with a snowboard instructor who shared a few things with me that resonated deeply and has since significantly altered my perspective. I got talking about these “wounded animals” and I asked her if she had any suggestions. I was specifically asking if I should “block” these people, or whether I needed to keep communicating in a non-reactive way. Although she didn’t offer a specific answer to this question, she offered something even more profound. She shared with me that when she meets people who are struggling, she doesn’t meet them in their darkness, in their pain. But instead, she focuses on their recovery, on how they can get better. This perspective ended up being profoundly insightful because it led me to some stark realisations about myself.

Because of my belief that the most beautiful people have gone through life’s toughest adversities, I have a desire to learn about peoples’ stories, especially their painful experiences. What I realised though, is that when I meet people in their darkness, I’m doing so to fulfil a role. This role is to be a healer. And if I’m a healer that means the other person must be a victim. So when someone is struggling, I would reach out to them thinking I’m doing a “good” deed in helping them, when in reality, what I’m doing is feeding my ego and fulfilling this role. Helping others stems from an incessant belief that I am not enough; I need to help this person to become enough. Although helping is considered noble, it is actually a very egoic behaviour. I also realised that my ego would help these people temporarily – it would help them long enough to feel like it had done its “good” deed. Once it felt fulfilled, once it felt like “I am enough now because I helped them”, it decided it no longer wanted to help them because their energy was in fact draining. But at this point, the other individual has attached themselves because I met them in their darkness, in a vulnerable state, in a place where their role was to be a victim.

Eckhart Tolle talks about roles a lot in A New Earth. He talks about how no sustainable relationship can be founded on role-playing, although the majority of relationships are. Fulfilling a role stems from the belief that who I am, as I am, is not enough. I have to either be a victim or a healer in order to feel fulfilled. The relationship then becomes founded on an imbalance of energy, an energy of deficiency rather than one of abundance, and an energy that is no longer authentic.

Authentic interactions can only occur when there are no expectations. And that is why, for me, I don’t think I can ever do online dating. And yes, I have tried. When you join a dating site, you’re there for a reason; you’re there to meet people. Consciously or not, you have expectations. When you “match” with someone, you might find yourself asking, “Am I attracted to this person? Do I like them as a friend? Do I like them as something more? Could I date them?” So you keep talking, through a screen, until you decide to meet up. But now when you meet, there’s this sense of pressure that you have to feel something towards the other person, especially if you’ve been talking online for a while. Instead of just being present with the other person, it becomes an interaction of future-thinking and those aforementioned questions repeat themselves. It isn’t organic, nor authentic, because the relationship isn’t forming naturally. It’s forming on the basis of expectation and pressure, and that is not a secure foundation for any relationship.

And this is why I was able to experience numerous interactions that were both genuine and beautiful during my time in America and Canada. Whilst in Seattle, I met this stunning individual from Italy who was my waitress. She invited me out with her coworkers and later back to her apartment with her friend (admittedly I was hesitant, but as soon as she mentioned she had cats? I was sold). It was a totally unexpected evening. And that’s what made it beautiful. Are we going to keep in contact? Who knows. Whether we do or don’t does not detract away from the incredible exchange that we experienced. There’s no pressure nor any expectation that anything will come of it; it’s organic and authentic.

Looking back on my past relationship, it started off much the same way; there were no expectations nor pressure to get to know her. I was genuinely enjoying her company and it wasn’t until the third interaction that I even considered I might have feelings for her. But I think one of the reasons that relationship didn’t work out is because of the roles we were both unconsciously playing – one of the first things I thought while getting to know her was, “I think my purpose is to show you it’s possible to be loved as much as you love others.” And so unconsciously I fulfilled the role of nurturer because that is the role that made me feel valued, made me feel that I was enough. Perhaps it is no surprise then that the relationship didn’t work out.

One of the other beautiful interactions that I experienced in Seattle was with a lady at Pikes Market who was selling decoupage art. We stood there for at least an hour if not longer discussing life and the beauty of it. The piece that she first recommended was a stunning piece that had the words, “you are always on your path.” I felt connected to this piece because it reminded me of my brother – he’s someone that society would claim has been “lost” for a few years now, not knowing the direction he wants to go in. But I’ve always been inspired by his ability to do what he wants, to not give in to what others suggest, and have felt strongly that he is on the path he needs to be on.

After talking for some time, I asked if there was any other piece she recommended, to which she pointed to this other incredible piece, “i see you and you are awesome.” The other piece spoke to me because of my brother, but this piece spoke to me for me. Especially because of the path that I felt I was on and having just finished A New Earth, I was feeling so much more connected to everything and everyone. So much so I almost started crying at the airport looking at another person because I was thinking, We are literally the same. You are a human and I am a human. We are made up of the same stuff. How beautiful is that?! Everything kind of feels like a miracle. Our existence, the things in our lives, it truly is miraculous if you let it be.

But I didn’t buy this piece. At least not initially. I bought the one with the lions for my brother. I went home that night and had an internal bothersome feeling that I had made a mistake; I could not get the picture of the eyes out of my brain. So I messaged the lady and asked if she could please come in (on her day off) the next day for me to please purchase the piece. And she willingly did. I’m sincerely grateful for that because there was another, deeper reason that I felt compelled to purchase this piece. And that reason was that it aligned with my life’s why.

About eight weeks ago I read a book called Start With Why by Simon Sinek. It was a book that was recommended numerous times by the most “successful” people in the world in The Tools of Titans by Timothy Ferriss. In the book, Sinek explains why Apple is so successful; it’s not successful because of what they do or how they do it, but because of why they do it: their why is to challenge the status quo. So people buy Apple products not because they’re the best, but because of how it makes them feel. This book got me thinking about my own why and why I do the things I do; why do I have a blog? Why do I care so much about writing in an unfiltered way? Why do I care about team dynamics and making connections with people? Why is authenticity important to me? Why do I strongly dislike social media? And it’s because my why is this: I believe that when people feel like they belong, they’re more likely to reach their excellence. Everything that I do then, is about creating that sense of belongingness; making people feel seen and understood.

Growing up, I never felt like I belonged. My brothers being twins always had each other, and my parents too, always had each other. And so I sought that feeling of belongingness at school, in friendships, in my teams, or with my teachers. It’s shaped and driven everything that I’ve done and has helped me to understand why my collegiate years were the most difficult of my life; I didn’t feel like I belonged. It also helps explain why I was so drawn to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, especially the third tier. Money can buy the first two levels; money can buy physiological needs and safety, but money can’t buy a sense of love and belongingness. That’s something you have to create for yourself. And I guess that’s helped me to realise the path in which I plan to pursue moving forward.

Back to energy – we recently had a super blood moon and for those of you that aren’t familiar, this moon brought about an energy of change. An energy that is helping you to move on and let go of anything or anyone that is holding you back, particularly anything that you started experiencing back in August when there was the first lunar eclipse. (Fun fact: the universe [and its energy] is on your side this year). For me, I found myself cleaning out my phone contacts and then proceeding to cleanse my Facebook, too. I removed people I knew, but have never spoken to nor interacted with on Facebook. Why be friends with people for the sake of being friends? As Will Smith said, if they’re not fanning your flames and helping you prosper, do you need them in your life?

There were two people though, that I got stuck on. And these are two individuals who have significantly impacted my life, but for a reason, or reasons, I am still unware of, stopped talking to me abruptly a few years ago. Last summer I reached out to both individuals; I wrote them each a letter explaining how much they’ve influenced me and how grateful I am that they were in my life. I asked if they would like to reconnect before I moved back to Australia, but I did not hear back from them. As I was going through Facebook, I never considered removing them because part of me still held on to the hope that maybe, they might reach out to me. But any time I saw their name, I was filled with a sense of sadness because it reminded me of the beautiful friendship we had that we no longer do. And so, I removed them. I’ve communicated what I needed to communicate, and I figure that if they truly want to contact me again, they’ll find me. But in the meantime, I need to let go and I need to move on. Their presence, and subsequent absence, has taught me such a beautiful lesson: the lesson of nonattachment and impermanence.

Despite no longer having these individuals in my life, it doesn’t detract from how fondly I feel towards them. I’ve learned, from them, to not become attached to friends, nor people, nor events. And I’ve also learned that nothing lasts forever, especially not relationships. People come and people go, and that’s a beautiful process. Once you have expectations, once you become attached, only then will you suffer.

My final thoughts today stem from something I’ve struggled to grasp over the years; how can people be happy all the time? Doesn’t happiness need its opposing experience of sadness? Despite years of trying to understand these people, I have never succeeded. That is, until now.

What I’ve realised is these people aren’t eliciting happiness, they’re eliciting a joy and enthusiasm for life. They’re so intensely present and in touch with the universe’s energy that they become full within themselves. Their energy then, is in abundance and overflowing, which is why is seeps into everything and everyone they connect with. I’ve often found myself being attracted to these people with high energy and questioned myself, How can I be more like them? How can I get to a point where I am vibrating on such a high frequency that people immediately feel better just by being in my presence? And this is a question I’ve asked myself numerous times in my journal and a question that has led me to ask others – if you had just met someone for an hour, or however long, what are three things you would want them to say about you after having interacted with you? What are three things you would want to be known for? The follow up questions to this are, do you feel like you achieve these three things in your interactions with people? And if not, what could you be doing to ensure others experience them?

I love these questions because they give an insight into what the other person values, whilst also giving an insight into the highest version of themselves. For me, my three words are radiant, peace, and understood. I want to elicit the energy that I have so fortunately experienced from my friends and my last partner; the high energy that immediately improves one’s mood, the energy that communicates a real zest for life. But I also want that person to feel at peace and calm when they interact with me; I don’t want them to feel drained or as though there’s a charge from our interaction. And lastly, I want them to feel understood, to feel seen and heard, to ultimately feel like they belong and that they aren’t alone. Although I do not achieve these three things in all of my interactions, I know that I’m always on my path.

So having said all of this, I’m genuinely just so excited about life. To those that I’ve interacted with in the past six or so weeks, thank you. I feel so full within myself because of the beautiful people that have aided me on my journey. And my hope is that what I feel has somehow been transcribed into the words you are now reading on your screen.

A New Earth, A New You

I’ve found myself at a crossroads. I’ve read a lot of books in the last few months, but few have had the profound life-changing effect that I recall experiencing after reading Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth two and a half years ago. It is no surprise then, that in the midst of an over-stimulated mind and a restless heart, I re-sought the solace of the book that transformed my life.

One of the books I’ve read recently was The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k. And I enjoyed it. I thought it was a great, easy read (probably because Mark Manson speaks my native tongue). In the book, Manson essentially talks about how we choose our problems based on where we place our “fucks”. Despite resonating with this, and many of the other books I’ve read recently, I found myself wanting to get through it as quickly as I could so I could get onto the next book on my list. A list that only seemed to be subject to the laws of expansion and a list that was only contributing further to my feelings of uneasiness and restlessness.

I was using these books as a means to an end. Although they were incredibly stimulating and I found myself absorbing substantial information from each of them, the absorption was hollow and meaningless. The words penetrated my mind, but they ceased to feed my soul.

After catching up with a dear friend recently, she sent me home with a few questions to ponder; “If you cook yourself a meal with beautiful fresh ingredients, take time to wash and cut and prepare [them], worked through each step, smelled the aroma, watched as it was changing from raw to cooked, anticipating when you get to sit down and enjoy all the hard work and love you have put into said dish. Finally getting to taste that which you desired so much, what does your body do or say to you when you have finished your meal, your stomach is full, and you are proud of your accomplishment…Aside from these physical gratifications…what does your mind and body say to you?”

My initial response to her questions was, “I don’t like to cook because I’m lazy and don’t have time.” But I stopped; I was reacting. I questioned the real reason. And that reason? I don’t know how to be still with myself. I can definitely be alone, but being still? Nope, not for me. And that helps to explain the excessive mental distractions. It also explains my incessant need for growth and unquenchable yearning to better myself.

It seemed that any consciousness I had experienced the first time I read A New Earth had all but disappeared. I was dominated by my ego again. And it was showing in my relationships and in my seemingly unconscious addiction / attraction to drama. My mind (ego), because it’s so clever, would justify the drama in my life by stating that I am doing everything within my control to protect my energy from these individuals; I don’t reply nor engage in them in any way. Yet they keep reappearing in my life. Why is that? Well, the law of attraction states we attract what we elicit. So on some level, I was eliciting an energy that was attracting individuals with heavy pain-bodies and I, despite what I consciously thought, was still communicating that I wanted that energy in my life.

The other day I received a few messages from different people whom I have tried to create some distance from and I found myself snapping inside. Why can’t they just leave me alone? I’ve communicated, by both not communicating and with my words, that I no longer want them in my life. And so I drafted this message; “In all honesty, the energy you elicit is not compatible with the energy I desire in my life. I often feel drained after conversing with you so in order to become the best version of myself, I need to remove you from my life.” But something within me couldn’t send it. And it’s because I knew I was being reactive. I was dominated by my ego. I was unconscious. But I knew there was another way. And that way was through consciousness.

This internal reaction started me to question some of my beliefs – I’ve believed, and frequently acted on, that when people are leeching your energy, the best solution is to remove them from your life. But isn’t that egoic to believe that your energy is something that can be drained by others? I do still believe we operate on varying frequencies, but when you come from a place of true presence, what I’ve found is that your energy cannot be drained because it is not your energy; it’s the energy of the universe. When you find yourself feeling negative or feeling drained, that is an indication that you are being dominated by the ego as the ego requires substantial energy to survive. It is then not the other individual that is draining you, but your own ego, your own unconscious being.

As another friend of mine said: “Eradicating negativity isn’t a bad thing so long as it’s not coming from a place that says, ‘I’m better than that negative person, and they’re the reason I’m being pulled back or drained.’” And that is the exact place I unconsciously was coming from. It’s as though my ego sought out individuals with heavy pain bodies, related to them with my own pain-body story, but once my ego felt like it had helped the other person it decided, I’m done here, I don’t need you in my life anymore. It rationalised these interactions with clever little arguments (because the ego is very clever); “Oh you were just getting to know them, that’s just what you like to do, it’s not your fault that they keep wanting more of your energy.” Worded like this, it becomes very evident that I’ve been operating from a clear place of unconsciousness.

Having said this though, there is a line about pain-bodies that resonated deeply with me, particularly because of who I have dated in the past, “It would be hard to find a partner who does not carry a pain-body, but it would perhaps be wise to choose someone whose pain-body is not excessively dense,” (151). Individuals with dense pain-bodies will only continue to suffer until they have their first glimpse of awakening. It is then that their pain-bodies will become lighter and their partnership more desirable and compatible.

The ego likes to mask and justify itself behind good intentions. As Tolle states, “If caring for your children gives meaning to your life, what happens to that meaning when they don’t need you and perhaps don’t even listen to you anymore? If helping others gives meaning to your life, you depend on others being worse off than yourself so that your life can continue to be meaningful and you can feel good about yourself… “Making it” in whatever field is only meaningful as long as there are thousands or millions of others who don’t make it, so you need other human beings to “fail” so that your life can have meaning,” (291). Tolle is not stating that “helping others, caring for your children, or striving for excellence are not worthwhile things to do,” (291) but that so long as one’s outer purpose is not aligned with their inner purpose, which is to awaken, then it will always be of the ego and thus self-serving.

The aforementioned desire for growth is seen as an admirable trait in the western world and it is a trait I have valued throughout much of my life. But what growth really is is an unquenchable seeking for more. It’s a pursuit that never ends and one that communicates, “I am not enough yet,” (46). In essence, growth is the ego in disguise. “No content will satisfy you, as long as the egoic structure remains in place. No matter what you have or get, you won’t be happy. You will always be looking for something else that promises greater fulfilment, that promises to make your incomplete sense of self complete and fill that sense of lack you feel within,” (48).

Reading this excerpt caused an unconscious resistance within me. In the past few weeks, I’ve had a conversation with numerous people about friendships and how they are all essentially transactional; the people in our life are there because they offer us something, whether it’s a challenge, validation, or just simply an ear to listen, we gain something from their existence. And because of that, I’ve been very intentional about the people I keep in my life. I always question; how can they help me to become a better version of myself? And if I don’t feel like they have anything to offer, I’m quick to eradicate their presence. I realise though, how egoic this really is. Wanting something from another, that’s ego. Gaining something from another, that’s also ego. If I’m constantly concerned with how the other person might be able to benefit me, I am not present. And not being present is to miss the point of existence entirely.

I think the reason that I found A New Earth so profound, even more so than The Power of Now is because it’s unlike most meditative books and practices that I’ve come across. Yes, it focuses on presence, but through consciousness and by eradicating the ego. Many mindfulness practices focus on the same things; be still, be aware of the breath, be present. But I find these suggestions to be hollow, they don’t speak to the consciousness within. They don’t alter one’s inner reality. Perhaps this is why many self-help books struggle to have genuine lasting effects, yet still continue to be extremely successful and are frequently on The New York Times Bestseller list. And it’s because they’re tailored towards our ego. Our ego relates to the content and we feel inspired to make changes to our lives. But the changes we make are superficial; behaviour is the least successful predictor in determining permanent change. Tolle states, “If there is no change on that inner level, no amount of action will make any difference. We would only re-create modified versions of the same world again and again,” (290). So instead of listening to your ego’s insecurity of not being good enough and picking up your next self-help book, I highly recommend feeding your soul with A New Earth.

The crossroads I mentioned earlier is between the ego and the highest self that I am. I feel myself being drawn to this path that has gifted me some beautiful opportunities of late. Catching up with a dear friend, whose presence is one of calmness and stillness, directed me towards an energy healer who then recommended I partake in yoga and attend a wellness workshop. Yoga with a former teammate of mine introduced me to an individual who specialises in peak performance in sports through the use of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), and the wellness workshop has potentially gifted me with an opportunity to work with a phenomenal mentor and to resolve my history of injuries and digestive issues. There is some resistance though, because from my experiences the athletes that “make it” are invariably those dominated by ego. But even as I type this, that latter argument, which was once so convincing, now seems hollow. Perhaps this is the start of the space within. Perhaps this is the start of my awakening. Perhaps this is the start of “my” new earth.