"be yourself" they say
but how can you?
in a world that wants you to be everything but yourself
a world that is fundamentally superficial
a world that rejects honesty, realness, depth
a world that favours imposters
a world founded on segregation, not connection
i have tried to be myself
and myself i have been
but i have been rejected
more times than my heart can naively handle
by those that have seen the rawest, realest, truest version;
they have all run
disappeared into oblivion
never to be heard from again
be mindful that this rejection is not exclusive to lovers
no, i am referring also to platonic lovers
the platonic lovers we call friends
those lovers that have spoken so highly, revered so deeply, and loved so seemingly wholesomely
yes, friends can reject you too
each time slashing a wound
forming scars on the heart
so many wounds
so many scars
i'm not even sure if any original heart remains
or whether it is composed entirely of hardened scars
so closed and so guarded
in attempt to prevent one more devastating slash
one more devastating rejection.
words of comfort often miss their intention
trying to explain others' actions, to justify their absence
it brings no solace
instead, the feeling of fundamental dysfunctional remains
am i too intense?
am i too deep?
is that why people run?
i know i am both intense and deep, yes
but is anyone ever too anything?
is it not sad to be made to feel
the essence of who you are
is too much?
that your rough edges need to be rounded
to be accepted
to be loved
when our past repeats itself
not just once
nor twice
but so many times you forget the original wounder
you cannot help but internalise
question, why?
why does this keep happening?
what is wrong with me?
the real me?
because only those that have seen it
have never to been seen again.
perhaps it is my fault
for attaching to these people
of whom are impermanent in nature
but what is love without attachment?
they say attachment is rooted in fear
and perhaps that is true
i am afraid that my investment
my time
my love
will lead me back here
in loneliness.
and by loneliness, i do not mean the act of being alone
it is the act of feeling misunderstood
of feeling that your authentic self is too much
of feeling that you
in your rawest, realest version
are still unlovable
but they say it is better to be hated for who you are
than loved for who you are not
and so i wonder if the author of this quote
had not been hated, but rejected
would their words differ?
hate arises in jealousy and is easily understood
rejection though, is complex
it's personal
and it often comes without explanation
and so in its absence
you begin to explain yourself
in which you seemingly conclude
the you in which you are
is not compatible with this world
to continue is to suffer
so instead, be not yourself
for you are too much of anything.