IF NOT YOU, THEN WHO?

how many times have you met someone and thought, holy shit, they're crazy? and because of that, you've decided they're too much. being friends with them, or lovers with them, is too hard. too toxic. too consuming.

in a former post i mentioned that people become 'crazy' when their needs aren't met. people act out. i know this not only because i've witnessed it, but because i too have been guilty of acting out when my needs weren't met. but imagine if every time you acted out, someone decided you were too much to deal with. too 'crazy'. and they left you. how then would you ever feel worthy? loved? secure?

the truth is, you wouldn't. and those behaviours would not only be reinforced, but strengthened. many of us act out because we don't think we're worthy of being loved - we create situations which validate these beliefs. we push people away to confirm the belief that we are indeed unlovable. but what if someone didn't leave? what if instead, they committed to sitting with you through that? what if instead of punishing you, they accepted you. validated you. loved you. where then might someone be?

all it takes is one person. one person that accepts them. that shows them they are worthy of being loved. that they are accepted as they are. one person to transform them. and if it's not you, then who will it be? so how can you be this person? how can you be the difference in that person's life?

BAGGAGE

everyone has it. the goal in life is not to find people without baggage, but to find those people whom you're willing to sort through their baggage with.

your role as a friend, or as a partner, is not to take their baggage and carry it as your own. no, it's to help that person sort through their baggage. to provide a safe space in which they feel comfortable to unpack their baggage. to help them rearrange, if necessary. to colour coordinate, if necessary. or to cull, if necessary. to do whatever they need to do to process whatever it is they need to process.

our role in someone's life is not to fix them, nor their problems. our role is merely to accompany them on their journey, to support them when they need support. people don't need fixing, they need understanding.

comprehending this concept is not only liberating for the individual involved, but so too for you. people's problems aren't burdens - they're merely problems. often we think of others' problems as being burdensome because we try to take on what was never ours to take on in the first place. their past and their problems are their lessons to learn. that doesn't mean you can't still be an extremely supportive friend, you can. but being a friend means knowing your role, and your role is not to save. not to fix. not to carry their baggage. your role is to listen, to support, and to understand.

COMMUNICATION ISN'T THE KEY

comprehension is.

our society focuses heavily on individuals being responsible for the situations they are in, yet they fail to consider the impact the environment plays on the individual's wellbeing.

when it comes to mental health, most programs focus on building resilience and coping mechanisms for the individual struggling. but how often do people ever get 'better' alone? and how often do they require other people? what if instead of focusing on the individual, we focused on those supporting the individual? on the environment in which these individuals reside?

when it comes to relationships, i can be the world's best communicator. i can communicate my needs in a clear, concise, calm manner, but at the end of the day, if my partner doesn't have a desire to understand, if my partner can't understand, then it really doesn't matter what i say. communication isn't key, comprehension is. and comprehension is the ability to try to understand where another is coming from. to understand their pain. their behaviours. their needs. and to respond in a way that makes them feel heard, seen, validated. it's on the environment, the person listening, that determines the level of connection in the relationship.

and in the same token, it's on society, on the environments in which individuals reside, that determines the health and wellbeing of individuals. individuals don't do well when they want to do well, individuals do well when they can; when the environment is conducive for their success.

so with that in mind, and in the words of Max Goodwin from New Amsterdam, how can i help?