WE AVOID WHAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE

how many times have you put off an uncomfortable conversation? and how many times have you been relieved once you've actually had that uncomfortable conversation?

as humans, we have a tendency to opt for the familiar, the comfortable. any time conflict arises, we avoid. we procrastinate. we act like it doesn't really bother us. but when does anything ever get resolved when we take this approach?

having difficult conversations and expressing your feelings is both scary and confronting. scary because you're exposing yourself to judgement and rejection. you're making yourself vulnerable. and it's confronting because you might be admitting to things that you think shouldn't bother you. things that might make you seem conceited. selfish. jealous. but the reality is, admitting to these feelings makes you none of those things - it makes you human.

within this space of discomfort is an opportunity - an opportunity for the other person to see you as just that - a person. a person just like them. a person with needs, just like them. and a person with feelings, just like them.

by avoiding these conversations, you avoid giving the other person an opportunity to see you for you. you also miss out on that person offering an explanation that might reassure you, that might ease your mind and your feelings. i'm guilty of this too. just the other day i was avoiding a difficult phone call because i was afraid of how the other person would react. but rarely has the other person ever responded adversely. more often than not, people respond with compassion, kindness, and gratitude. gratitude for letting them in. and compassion because they understand; they can relate and they can empathise.

confronting your feelings is hard; it's uncomfortable. but it's also extremely rewarding. it's within this space of discomfort that true vulnerability and connection lies. without it, what are you connecting over? the facade that everything is okay? let's delve deeper than superficiality; let's get real. let's get human. let's get connecting.

so, what difficult conversations have you been avoiding?

WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING

this year i co-captained the salisbury inter soccer club to their first ever wnpl trophy. we made history for the club. and we would go on to do it again, and again, and claim the treble - something only one other team in the WNPL has ever been able to accomplish. achieving something so rare should feel amazing - we made history and i played a significant contributing role in that. for some people, this could be one of their greatest highlights of their lives. so why don't i feel any of that?

whenever i experience an emotion contrary to how i feel i'm supposed to feel, i immediately internalise and i question myself - is it because i don't value winning? don't value awards and achievements? is there something wrong with me? did i not enjoy my season? not get along with my teammates? or is there something more at play here?

last year when we were knocked out of the final series, i wrote a post on achievements look good on your resume, but connections look better on your eulogy. and i wrote this to highlight that the connections we made with each other were more important than whether we won or loss. but shouldn't it stand that to win with people you enjoy playing with, would be one of the greatest feelings? why then do i still feel very apathetic about our achievements this year?

this year, we were the team to beat. we undeniably had the best squad on paper. that doesn't mean our wins were guaranteed nor that we didn't have to work for them - we did. but we were expected to win. and something about being expected to win takes away from the sweetness of victory.

and our team - we all got along. we didn't have any drama. and we had a strong culture. but despite all of this, despite ticking all of the boxes of what you'd want from a strong team and culture, i still felt detached from my teammates. i didn't feel like i knew them. and it's in those moments of knowing others that i really remember, that i hold as a greater achievement.

so despite winning three championships this year, my highlight of the season was still our pre-season trip. getting to not just see teammates outside of soccer, but getting to know them too. and maybe that's just me - maybe it's just because i value connection more than winning and achievements. but i also suspect i'm not alone in my thinking either - i think our most treasured moments have been experienced through something you can't measure, through moments of mutual love, understanding, and vulnerability.

so what have been some of your greatest highlights in your life? winning a championship, or connecting with someone?

THE NEED FOR BALANCE

without your work, who would you be?

much of our lives are consumed by what we do. we work so we can earn a wage to buy us freedom to live. but is that all there is to life? are we really just working to live? at what point do we become more than the jobs we do?

humans are complex creatures. we are more than what we do. but so much of our identity, so much of our thinking becomes consumed by the jobs we work. who are you when you’re not at work? who are you when you’re not thinking about work?

there are 168 hours in a week. let’s say the average human works a full-time job of 38 hours and is fortunate to get 8 hours of sleep a night – that leaves 74 hours where you’re not at work and not sleeping. who are you in those moments? what are you choosing to think about? the majority of us spend more time not at work than we do at work yet work consumes the majority of our thinking and mental capacity. why?

there’s a multitude of reasons as to why. but from my own experiences, i’ve found that work consumes the majority of my thinking for two reasons: i don’t have anything else to think about or i’m taking on more responsibility than is needed.

this is where a need for balance is essential. a need for an identity outside of what you do. a need for purpose in the 74 hours you’re not working. and maybe that purpose is to simply love someone else or to love your family. or maybe it’s a hobby, an interest, a vocation.

as for responsibility, i frequently have to check myself: will the business collapse if i don’t reply to this email? if i don’t do x y or z? and the answer is always a resounding no. because the reality is, much of what we think is important with regards to work, can wait. if you don’t do it, someone else will. a business that falls apart from an individual not working at home, is a business that was bound to fail anyway.

this is both a humbling and liberating reality. humbling because what you offer a business will invariably be replaced and liberating because it means you’re free. free to think about life outside of work. free to focus on what else is important in your life. free to just be more than what you do.

so who are you when you’re not at work?

*i acknowledge that this post is intended for individuals working in low-crisis, regular full-time hour positions and is not applicable to all jobs and occupations