• nicole calder

Who do you want to become?

Sometimes it takes meeting someone to help you realise all the places in which you are stuck. At least that’s what happened with me. About five or so weeks ago, I met a girl. This girl helped me realise so much about myself, despite not knowing anything about me. One of her first observations was that I was so “tense” – in my movements, in my rigidity with who I thought I was, and in my interactions. Less than a week later, she added to this by saying that I’m a “head” first person – when I meet someone, it has to make sense, rather than it necessarily feeling right. And the reason for that is because I’m not in my body, I’m in my head. And she was absolutely right.

Her next observation came about with regards to sex – I have all these little rules about how things are supposed to go when you meet someone: first you get to know them, then if you like them, you might kiss, hold hands, and cuddle, and then after some time has passed to consolidate those feelings of trust and comfort, sex will naturally ensue. She challenged this though, why does it have to be that way? I reasoned that for me, someone who isn’t in their body, it just had to make sense. But what I didn’t realise was that these “rules” were my way of rationalising the feelings of shame and guilt I had which were associated with sex. I felt like it was taboo or wrong to do anything with someone before you knew them. Holy shit – I’ve been carrying around this shame and guilt for years, where did it all come from?

I can pinpoint where all of these feelings started. And naturally, they started in my childhood. When I was around 7 or 8, I vividly remember my Oma stating, “If any of you are gay, I’m going to disown you.” Now at that age, you don’t think much of a comment like that, but you do internalise it. Likewise with my parents and brothers at the same time being outwardly against homosexuals – you then grow up with this internal belief that being gay is wrong. When I was about 12, I was looking through Anastacia’s music album and I vividly remember feeling sexually attracted to her – I was so confused. And angry. So much so that I said, “No Nicole, this is wrong. She’s a girl and you’re a girl and you can’t look at her breasts and be attracted to her. That’s wrong.” And so I stopped – not looking, but feeling. I completely shut off those feelings. And perhaps that’s why I’ve struggled to feel much of anything for all of these years.

This helps explain why in college, I was always so uncomfortable with my teammates getting changed in front of me. At the time, I thought it was because I was afraid that if my teammates caught me glancing their way that they would think I was checking them out and I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. But I think the real reason was that I was afraid I might actually enjoy looking at them. But when I was 12, I made an “agreement” with myself that I would not allow myself to feel those feelings because they’re wrong. I realise now, that I’ve been so sexually repressed because of these subconscious beliefs that I had no idea I was carrying around. And so I owe a lot of thanks to this girl – she helped loosen something within me that I wasn’t even aware was there.

Not only have I struggled with these feelings of guilt and shame, but also those of not feeling like I was enough as I was. I alluded to this in my former post, but it again stems from my childhood and my difficulty to accept my sexuality. My biggest fear growing up was disappointing my parents – I hated the way it felt to disappoint them. And that’s a primary reason why I quit tennis; I couldn’t handle disappointing them. And it’s also the primary reason I struggled for so many years to accept who I was – because I felt like no matter how well I did in soccer, or how well I did in school, there was still a part of me that wasn’t good enough. A part of me that was “wrong”. A part of me that was a disappointment to my parents. And it wasn’t anything they overtly said, if anything it was the covert behaviours that I interpreted as rejection of who I was and internalised as failure.


The problem with self-limiting beliefs such as not feeling like you’re good enough is that it isn’t isolated to one aspect of your life. Instead, it permeates everything. Every interaction, every hobby, every achievement. It affects how you carry yourself, how you see yourself, and ultimately how much you achieve. I’m convinced this is the belief that is the cause of my injuries, the destruction of my relationships, and the reason I’m so hard on myself both in life and in soccer. So now that I’m aware of all of this, what does this mean for me?


About three months ago, I started an anti-inflammatory, alkalising cleanse to ultimately heal my gut from the digestive issues (leaky gut) I was experiencing. This cleanse, which consisted of no grains, no dairy, and no sugar, sounded like torture. But it’s actually been one of the best things for me – I now cook for myself three times a day, and clean up straight away. I live in a much cleaner environment, and I feel so much clearer in my thinking and within my body. I feel strong – not just because of the food I’ve been consuming, but because of what I’m choosing to focus on.


In my former post, I brought up the law of attraction. Within these past few months, these laws and all the potential they possess have become so much more apparent in my life. My excitement towards this subject is palpable and I can only hope that you too, will experience a similar excitement.


After struggling to find a job for almost two months, I went onto LinkedIn and I searched for people who were interested in the same things I was acutely interested in; self-limiting beliefs, law of attraction, technology and human behaviour, and injuries. I then reached out to a few people in hopes of connecting with them. Two days later, I had a trial shift in the city. But it just so happened that the trams in Adelaide stopped working that afternoon. So along comes this guy who’s eating a bag of lettuce, which I thought was peculiar. He too, was stranded in the city. But he didn’t seem to care at all. And so we caught an Uber together and I realised that this was a guy who was living the life I wanted to live – he lived without a phone for three years. And doesn’t use technology all that much now. He took a course on energy and self-limiting beliefs which changed his life. Do you think it’s pure coincidence that we met that day? Because I don’t think it was. I think I manifested him into my life.

I asked him my favourite question that I ask new people – what’s a book that has changed your life? He said that his mentor, Bob Proctor, swears by Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. So naturally, when someone recommends a book that has changed their life, I proceed to purchase said book. While at the bookstore, there was a book that caught my eye, You Are the Placebo, and no matter how much I tried to ignore it, something about the book wanted me to read it. And so I did. And upon commencing the first chapter, I realised this was a book that was going to change my life. And it is.


The purpose of life, I believe, is to become intentional creators of our own life. What we don’t realise is that we create everything in our reality – when we experience something we don’t want, it’s because on some level, that’s the energy we’re putting out into the universe. The universe will always give you what you ask for. But not what you consciously ask for – it’s what your energy is projecting. Many people say they want money, but what they feel isn’t the possession of money, it’s the absence of it. And, because of law of attraction, the energy you put out is the energy you get back. So if you’re experiencing the absence of money, the universe will give you more of that.


When we experience what we don’t want, we inadvertently experience what we do want. What tends to happen though, is that we focus on what we don’t want and so the universe gives us more of that. I know that I intentionally manifested this girl in my life – I kept putting out into the universe that I wanted to feel wanted like a guy wants a girl. And this girl did exactly that. Which I now realise, is not actually what I wanted. And so I’m choosing to focus on the feelings I do want to experience; safety, balance, love, and appreciation. What’s imperative though, is to not just write these words on a piece of paper, but to experience the feeling of them before they happen. Because everything in this world is made up of energy (everything is made up of atoms and all atoms are made up of electrons and all electrons have an electron cloud which is really just energy), we can literally manifest whatever we want in our life so long as we experience it before it happens.

In Dr. Joe Dispenza’s book, he helps explain how people can walk on coals without getting burnt – and it’s because they believe they can. And they don’t question how. They transcend their current state of being to become someone else; someone who can walk on coals. And what’s even more remarkable? You and I are capable of this too. Not just in regards to walking on coals, but to become anything that we want. 97.5% of our DNA is “junk” – in other words, we only activate and use 2.5% of our DNA and that’s because we’re constantly thinking the same thoughts and engaging in the same behaviours, hence we experience the same things. But, by altering our thoughts and our energy, we can ultimately change our DNA - how fucking cool is that?!

All it starts with is belief. The people who heal themselves from cancer through thought alone are those that truly believe, with their energy, that they will get better – if we have the capacity to create illness, we also have the capacity to create wellness. Every potential in the future, exists in this moment right now – that’s called the quantum universe. So whoever you want to become, whatever you want to achieve, you can. The potential for our lives is literally limitless and if we can harness our own energy, we can fulfil our life’s purpose; we can become intentional creators of our own life.


This sounds amazing, right? And it is. What’s so amazing is that this is accessible to every single person on this planet – all they have to do is transcend their current state and experience whatever or whoever they want to be, before it happens. This energy (your thoughts and a heightened emotion) will then slow down in the form of matter to become whatever it is that you are desiring. The challenge is rewriting your script – overcoming the years of programming with thinking the same thoughts and engaging in the same behaviours. But with persistence and clear intentions, anything is possible.


After everything I’ve realised about myself recently, I’ve wondered if we are all, to some degree, carrying around these subconscious feelings of shame and guilt as well as feeling like we aren’t enough. And I suspect we are. I believe then that the purpose of our adulthood is to decondition ourselves from everything we’ve been conditioned to think and feel from our childhood; to return to our innocence. Don Miguel Ruiz talks about this in The Four Agreements – our goal is to eradicate those little “agreements’ we’ve made with ourselves and to return to being young, wild, and free. As always, change starts with awareness. And in light of the recent books I’ve read, I now believe any change is possible so long as you believe it is and commit to experiencing your future before it happens. Surrender to the universe, and you’ll receive what you’re asking for.

So who or what do you want to become? Because for me, I want to be free.

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