• nicole calder

CONFRONTING DEATH

this is not something i want to write about, it’s not something i want to talk about. death scares the fucking shit out of me. it terrifies me. paralyses me. but that’s exactly why i NEED to talk about it.


a few weeks ago, i was forced to confront the possibility of an imminent death to someone dearly close to me: my dad. fortunately, his medical episode was only a scare. but the remnants of the reality, the reality that he could have died, have lingered on since.


anytime i think about death, i’m overwhelmed by a deep sense of dread. i feel my chest tighten. tears stream uncontrollably. i feel sick. am i the only person who fears death? why does no one talk about this? why do we live as though we’re immortal?


since my dad’s medical episode, i’ve been filled with so much sadness. so much grief. it’s as though i’m grieving the loss of those before i’ve even lost them. but i just can’t comprehend the finite nature of existence. my brain won’t let me. when someone dies, that’s it. their existence ends. their consciousness stops. their presence will never be felt again. how do you overcome those feelings?


although i still have a long way to go in accepting death, i’m grateful to be confronting this issue now. i understand that the only true way to embrace life is to accept our agreement with it: death. and as such, i hope that keeping this reality in the forefront of my consciousness will help add a sense of urgency, meaning, and beauty to my life that might otherwise have been ignored until my own imminent death.

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