• nicole calder

BEFORE YOU START BLAMING...

check yourself. what needs do you have that aren’t being met? what are you upset about? get curious about what you're feeling - why is this upsetting you?


often when we become upset, it's because a need hasn't been fulfilled. rarely though, do we stop to ask ourselves, okay, does this person know this is a need of mine? how can i communicate that i need x in order to feel y. humans aren't mind readers, they're human. usually people do what they do, not because they're wanting to upset you, but because they don't know what to do - people don't know what they don't know.


it's not about the person, it's about solving the problem. and in order to solve the problem, you must first take responsibility for your feelings - use "i" statements and avoid using the word "you". you is a triggering word; it makes the other person defensive. it's hard to be defensive when you're not being attacked, when the other person is being vulnerable. and that's exactly what communicating your needs is: vulnerability. but in that space of vulnerablity, in that space of resolution, that's when two people grow closer together. that's when the other person learns how you need to be loved - because we all need to be loved in different ways. and this is the the beautiful process of getting to know someone - it's messy, clumsy, but ever so rewarding.


so before you start blaming, check yourself. take ownership. and remember, be kind. be vulnerable. be your beautiful, messy, human self.

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