OUR NEED FOR CONTROL

as humans, we feel we need to be in control. we try to control our lives. we try to control other people. we try to predict the future. and we do so because being in control gives us a sense of security. it gives us a sense of autonomy. but our need for control, and our struggle to relinquish it, is one of the reasons why we suffer.

the truth is, nothing in life is predictable. and rarely in life does anything ever go according to plan - how can it? there are so many external factors that play into every situation, how can we possibly account for all of them and predict the outcome of something that hasn’t even happened yet? we can’t. and yet, we still try.

our need for control is really just our resistance to what is. any time something happens that isn’t what we anticipated, it’s an opportunity for us to move somewhere else. unfortunately though, we often become stuck on our idea of how things should be or how people should be, that our resistance creates pain and suffering.

i’m guilty of this too. i’m currently experiencing something that i’m having a difficult time accepting when in reality i should be asking, okay, where to from here? what can i learn from this? in life we always have three choices: we accept what is. and if we can’t accept it, we change it. and if we can’t change it, then we remove ourselves from it.

there’s nothing heroic about suffering. and often the suffering we experience is created not because of external circumstances, but because of our unwillingness to accept them.

so what are you having a hard time accepting and what can you learn from letting go of your need to control it?

THE POWER OF LOVE

love is a word we often throw around without ever thinking too much about what it really means. so what does it mean? and what can loving someone do for them?

love, to me, is about freedom. it’s about giving someone the freedom to be themselves without the fear of you leaving or punishing them. how do you give someone freedom? through safety. acceptance. non-judgment. non-reaction. and non-attachment.

often when we become controlling, whether that be in friendships or relationships, i’ve found it to be because we’re in denial with what is. we’re trying to make someone they’re not. we’re projecting our own insecurities and fears onto someone else, hoping they’ll fill the void that was never theirs to fill. this sort of love isn’t love. and you’ll find it will stifle both yours and their growth rather than catalyse it.

love is transformative. when you give someone the space to be nothing but themselves, when you give them the acceptance to express all of their sides, when you do all of this from a place of loving kindness, it transforms them. it heals them. it saves them.

so how are you choosing to love?

REJECTION

getting rejected sucks. whether it be for a job, a person, or being selected on a team, no one likes the feelings that rejection brings.

often when we’re rejected, we internalise as though there must be something wrong with us. we question; what did i do wrong? do i not have enough experience? am i not attractive enough? am i not good enough? what other explanation is there for me not being chosen?

but the truth is, none of these are true.

i recall a mentor of mine telling me how she was overlooked for a job position which she was more than qualified for. and she was overlooked because the board didn’t like her. they were threatened by her. and i said to her, how do you accept that? how do you not internalise that as there must be something wrong with you? and her comment? it’s their loss.

confidence is not; “they will like me.” confidence is; “i’ll be okay even if they don’t.”

and you will be. because you don’t need any person, any job, or any team to validate how great you already are. if they don’t want you, it is their loss. not yours. because you’re fucking great and you have a lot to offer. don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.