HOW DO YOU LET GO OF SOMEONE?

we as humans like to attach to people and to things. attachment gives us a sense of security, a sense of purpose, a sense of control. but our attachment to these things hinders our ability to let things unfold naturally. it’s what creates suffering. so, how can you let someone go?

it’s important to ask yourself what exactly it is that you’re attached to. are you attached to the person, or are you attached to the idea of being with this person? if the former, what is it about this person that you’re so drawn to? if the latter, ask yourself why you feel the need to be with anyone at this point in time. what are you running from or what is it within you that you feel is incomplete that you need another to fulfill?

breaking down what we’re drawn to in an individual allows us to let go of our attachment to them as a person and allows us space to find those qualities in another individual. the more we focus on what we want, the more we’ll manifest that in other areas of our lives. on the contrary, the more we focus on what we’re lacking, on what we don’t have, the more the universe will reinforce those feelings.

so in order to get “what you want” you have to let go. you have to focus not on the person, because we can never control the feelings of another and who they’re attracted to, but focus on their qualities. because i guarantee there are many people who possess what you desire, the secret is to be receptive to those people. and the only

way to be receptive is to not be attached.

focus on what you want, let go of all the rest. the universe will manifest your energy in a way you could never have imagined. energy doesn’t lie - trust it.

BREAK UPS

i believe break ups are one of the hardest things people go through in their lives. it might seem trivial, given how commonplace they are, but that doesn’t detract from the enormity of the pain that is endured.

not only must you grieve the loss of the person and the relationship, but you also grieve the future you had envisioned with this individual that is no longer. and sometimes that can be harder to fathom than grieving the memories of the past.

there’s also the loss of self - the loss of who you were with this person. there’s the adjustment from having this person on your mind for every decision - from what to eat, to what netflix show to watch - to then only thinking about yourself. all of a sudden, we becomes me.

and then comes the questioning - why? why did they end things? what is it about me? am i not good enough? what could i have done differently? why does this keep happening to me? and these questions will drive you insane if you let them, because often it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their change of heart.

what makes things even harder is the world we now live in. technology serves as a constant reminder of what you had and what is now no longer. every time you look at your phone, it’s a reminder that they aren’t messaging you. not because they can’t, but because they don’t want to. our accessibility only serves to prolong and heighten the heartbreak. so, what can you do?

disconnect from technology, but reconnect with friends. create new associations in the environments that were once associated with this person. and, as painful as it is, see this as an opportunity to rebuild you. who you are and what you want. because it’s from ashes that phoenixes rise.

EXPLAIN, DON'T EXCUSE

one of the primary principles i learned in psychology was to explain human behaviour, not excuse it. understanding why humans behave the way they do offers us insight that can potentially help us predict future situations.

i’ve found within my own life, i have fully adopted this principle. i try my best to understand and explain others’ behaviours as i believe this a necessary component to eliciting compassion towards these individuals. i also believe no one ever does anything wrong intentionally - we are all good in nature, it’s only when our needs aren’t met that we act in ways that challenge that premise.

just recently however, i’ve had two very respectful figures in my life alert me to the fact that i make excuses for people. naturally, when someone makes a statement that i might not agree with, i reflect and i consider what message they’re sending me.

although i feel i don’t make excuses for people, i still allow them in my life. when someone “hurts” me, in their words or actions, i try to understand why. once i come to an understanding, i forgive them. but the problem is, i also keep them around.

having compassion for others doesn’t mean you have to accept ill-treatment. what i’m presently learning is how to still have love in my heart for these individuals, but enough respect for myself to say i will not engage in their behaviours. their healing is independent of anything i do / say. it’s their journey, not mine.

“we teach others how to treat us by what we allow, what we stop, and what we reinforce.” - tony gaskins