BREAK UPS

i believe break ups are one of the hardest things people go through in their lives. it might seem trivial, given how commonplace they are, but that doesn’t detract from the enormity of the pain that is endured.

not only must you grieve the loss of the person and the relationship, but you also grieve the future you had envisioned with this individual that is no longer. and sometimes that can be harder to fathom than grieving the memories of the past.

there’s also the loss of self - the loss of who you were with this person. there’s the adjustment from having this person on your mind for every decision - from what to eat, to what netflix show to watch - to then only thinking about yourself. all of a sudden, we becomes me.

and then comes the questioning - why? why did they end things? what is it about me? am i not good enough? what could i have done differently? why does this keep happening to me? and these questions will drive you insane if you let them, because often it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their change of heart.

what makes things even harder is the world we now live in. technology serves as a constant reminder of what you had and what is now no longer. every time you look at your phone, it’s a reminder that they aren’t messaging you. not because they can’t, but because they don’t want to. our accessibility only serves to prolong and heighten the heartbreak. so, what can you do?

disconnect from technology, but reconnect with friends. create new associations in the environments that were once associated with this person. and, as painful as it is, see this as an opportunity to rebuild you. who you are and what you want. because it’s from ashes that phoenixes rise.

EXPLAIN, DON'T EXCUSE

one of the primary principles i learned in psychology was to explain human behaviour, not excuse it. understanding why humans behave the way they do offers us insight that can potentially help us predict future situations.

i’ve found within my own life, i have fully adopted this principle. i try my best to understand and explain others’ behaviours as i believe this a necessary component to eliciting compassion towards these individuals. i also believe no one ever does anything wrong intentionally - we are all good in nature, it’s only when our needs aren’t met that we act in ways that challenge that premise.

just recently however, i’ve had two very respectful figures in my life alert me to the fact that i make excuses for people. naturally, when someone makes a statement that i might not agree with, i reflect and i consider what message they’re sending me.

although i feel i don’t make excuses for people, i still allow them in my life. when someone “hurts” me, in their words or actions, i try to understand why. once i come to an understanding, i forgive them. but the problem is, i also keep them around.

having compassion for others doesn’t mean you have to accept ill-treatment. what i’m presently learning is how to still have love in my heart for these individuals, but enough respect for myself to say i will not engage in their behaviours. their healing is independent of anything i do / say. it’s their journey, not mine.

“we teach others how to treat us by what we allow, what we stop, and what we reinforce.” - tony gaskins

ARE YOU LIVING FOR YOUR RÉSUMÉ OR YOUR EULOGY?

well, what’s the difference? the difference is in the intention. the energy. the purpose.

many of us find ourselves doing things we don’t want to do. we’re stuck in jobs we hate. relationships we don’t like. people pleasing for people we don’t even care for. why? because we’re trying to get “somewhere”. get “something”. be “someone”. in other words, we’re living to build our résumé.

what does it mean then, to live for your eulogy? it means that you prioritise doing what you want to do. it means finding the job that adds the most value, not the most money. the job that fuels your passions, not your plans. it means finding someone, something, that makes you kinder, more loving, more open as though nothing else matters. because the truth is, nothing else does matter.

brené brown has a fantastic video on the most boundaried people also being the most compassionate people. and what she means by boundaries is people willing to say “no” to things they don’t want to do. how much value are you adding to the world, doing a job you don’t enjoy? now imagine the value you could add to the world doing a job you DID enjoy?

i understand not everyone’s financial situations allow them the liberty to simply pursue their passions without thought, but my question is this - why do you need a new car? a big house? a prestigious job? will any of those truly add value to your life?

how do you want to be remembered? do you want to be remembered for what you achieved or who you were? for who you chose to be when you didn’t have everything? living for your résumé is living for your ego - it’s self-serving and it won’t make you happy. but living for your eulogy? that’s what will add the most value to not only your life, but others’ lives too.