THE BEAUTY OF PERSPECTIVE

love blinds us. when we're with someone, we're so caught up in ‘making it work' we don't stop to consider whether this is actually the best path for us. being in a relationship is revered amongst society; being single is not. it's almost a silent marker of success to have someone by your side. yet, how many people in relationships are genuinely fulfilled? are living their best lives? are free? and how many are living in fear? in deprivation?

people talk about how relationships require compromise but i've never liked that phrase. i don't think you need to change who you are for your partner. i believe in love being expansive, not restrictive. if a partner has needs that aren't being met, can you fulfill those needs without sacrificing your values or beliefs? or is your partner asking you to compromise these? to choose them over choosing what's right? often we choose them because preserving the relationship appears more important than preserving our integrity and character.

when conflict arises in my life, i check myself. i take a step back and try to understand the other person. to comprehend their behaviours, their words, their attitudes. but in the midst of understanding, i can become accepting of behaviour that really isn't in alignment with who i am and what i believe. it's often not until a relationship is over, until separation has occurred, that i can clearly see how the relationship really didn't bring out the best in me.

and that is what a partnership ought to be - it's not about 'just having someone'. it's about having someone who makes you the best version of yourself. who challenges you to be better. who supports you in becoming better. and who embraces you for all that you are. not someone who asks you to compromise your values and beliefs to appease them. relationships are a partnership requiring mutual comprehension and mutual effort. when only one party is committed to understanding the other, imbalances and a loss of self occurs.

although this relationship might appear to be the most important thing, the relationship with yourself is more important. so take a step back - do you like the person you’re becoming?

STAND UP FOR OTHERS

imagine a time when you were being bullied or a time when you were being uncomfortably hit on - how hard was it to stand up for yourself? to tell that individual, or individuals, that their behaviour was causing you distress?

if you're like most people, it would have felt near impossible. and that's because it's extremely hard to stand up for yourself. to protect yourself in moments of vulnerability. and that's why it's so important to stand up for others.

when i look back on my life, there have been four distinct instances where i've felt protected. where i've had friends and family stand up for me, fight for me. and that feeling? it makes you feel worthy. safe. valued.

i'm a firm believer in standing up for what i believe to be right and fair. any time i see a slither of behaviour that resembles bullying, i vouch to put an end to it. so too whenever i witness a situation i deem to be unfair or unjust. i have a really difficult time witnessing situations in which individuals are being subjected to snide remarks or unfair treatment and yes, i'm guilty of overstepping boundaries in speaking up. but i would rather be disliked for what i said than disliked for what i did not.

so the next time a situation comes up that makes you feel uncomfortable because of how someone is being treated, can you say something? can you stand up for them? protect them? show them you have their back? because chances are, they're not going to stand up for themselves. but, there's strength to be found in numbers, and you can be that number. you can be that difference.

TRY HARDER OR LEAVE?

one of the hardest questions to ask yourself is do i try harder or do i leave?

and often that question isn't as straightforward as it seems. it's multifaceted, requiring context and some other, deeper more probing questions. questions like how long have you been trying to 'make things work' for? what's your threshold of happiness? meaning, what percentage of your days, your weeks, are you willing to feel unhappy, unfulfilled for? what needs do you have that aren't being met? have you communicated this to your partner, and how has your partner responded? do they get defensive, or do they proactively make an effort to change? are they willing to grow with you, or grow apart from you?

are you asking your partner to be someone they are incapable of being? to change them? to compromise their values and beliefs? what would happen if those needs of yours continued to be unmet by your partner - is that something you could live with? or would it consume you?

and what is your role in the demise of this relationship? how are you meeting their needs? how are you supporting them? are you taking responsibility where responsibility is due?

relationships and love aren't simple. they're complex. they're also not something we ever learn how to navigate. we're never taught how to communicate our needs, nor are we taught how to meet the needs of others. whenever i've been confronted with the aforementioned question, i ask myself what value is this relationship adding to my life and what is it costing me?

is there a sense of security in having a partner? absolutely. one of life's greatest feelings is to love and be loved in return. to feel wanted. but is that sense of security worth your inner peace? are you constantly fighting that which cannot be fulfilled by this person? is this relationship truly satiating your needs or leaving you deprived, disappointed, unheard?

so perhaps the two most important questions to ask yourself are: how do you want to be treated and how are you wanting to feel? use these answers to decide whether to stay or leave.