WHAT WE RESISTS, PERSISTS

sometimes life can be shit. there's no denying that. but often when we experience undesirable feelings, we try to run from them rather than embrace them. but what we resist, persists. when we try to suppress and distract ourselves from these undesirable feelings, what we find is that those feelings not only linger, but they end up strengthening over time.

i was recently experiencing these undesirable feelings. the end of any relationship brings about an onslaught of loneliness. a feeling that is so incredibly uncomfortable because of how isolating it feels. a feeling we so often try to numb with things like drugs, alcohol, hollow sex, and technology. but for anyone who has used any or all of the above coping mechanisms will have realised, they don't work. those feelings of loneliness persist. because the only way to get over those feelings, is to sit with them. to experience the shittiness of them in full force. and as painful and miserable as it can be, it's within this darkness that a genuine appreciation for connection can be found.

a couple of weeks ago i ran an activity with my 15s that i'm coaching. half of the players sat inside the circle while the other half (coaches included) sat on the outside facing them. the task was simple: stare at the other person for a minute without talking.

simple? yes. uncomfortable? absolutely! and what did we do when we got uncomfortable? we laughed. we tapped. we counted. but most importantly? we sat through it. and we sat through it together. now although this wasn't a formal experiment, i'd be willing to bet all of those players, and coaches too, felt more connected to one another purely for the fact that we sat through that uncomfortableness together. we shared that experience. we were human - together.

and that is what makes us human - these uncomfortable, undesirable feelings. it's what bonds us. connects us. unites us. but when we refuse to sit with those feelings, we're not only doing a disservice to ourselves, but to our fellow peers too. for without that discomfort, how we can ever truly connect?

SAY SORRY

even if you don't think you're in the wrong.

apologising doesn't mean you accept the other person's behaviour, nor does it mean you don't value yourself. apologising means that you value your friendship, your relationship, and your overall life more than your ego.

because being right is just that, it's egoic. to be right means the other person is wrong - this implies superiority and inferiority, whereas apologising eradicates those lines. apologising humanises the connection. apologising humanises you.

it can be extremely difficult to say sorry in a situation where your ego stubbornly tells you you're not in the wrong or that you don't need to. and it can be even more difficult when you're hurt by the other person's actions. but when you do eventually say sorry, what you'll find is it diffuses the situation and it's often followed by another apology: theirs. because saying sorry is vulnerable. it's humbling. it's hard for anyone to stay mad or upset when an individual steps outside of their ego to genuinely apologise. because what you're left with is just that - a human. a human exactly like you. a human that wants to love and be loved. a human that wants happiness and to avoid suffering. and apologising does just that.

so the next time you are adamant you're not in the wrong, that you don't need to say sorry, ask yourself this - is the cost of saying sorry really worth destroying your relationship? is your ego really that big that it's unable to see what's important? unable to put itself aside to preserve the one thing we were put on life to experience, connection? can you take off your hurt, stubborn hat and put on your understanding, forgiving hat?

forgive others, not only for them, but also for you. saying sorry won't kill you, but not saying sorry could cost you your relationships.

DO WHAT YOU WANT

because why would you want to do something you didn't want to do?

i suspect for many people there's a significant amount of resistance that arises within them upon reading that statement. i often hear things like, "but it's not that easy!" or "sometimes in life you have to do things you don't want to do." but i want to challenge that belief: why do we need to do things we don't want to do?

Brené Brown gives a fantastic talk on how the most compassionate people are also the most boundaried people. what she means by this is that these are people that say no to doing anything they don't want to do. and it makes sense. when you do something you don't want to do, you're entering the situation from a negative perspective, from a place of resentment, dislike. and the person who has asked you to do this thing has no idea you're feeling this way - they assume you want to do it, because again, why would you do something you didn't want to do?

people often argue it's to make another person happy. but does it really? would you want someone to stay with you who really didn't like you? would you want to stay with someone who you really didn't want to be with? why do we glorify suffering as though it's a noble, normal quality? what if we instead, valued our happiness over social norms and niceties? where then might we be?

doing things you don't want to do is also fake. it's misleading. this is often why i've said being selfish is the most selfless thing you can do - when you only do what you want, you're filled with nothing but love, joy, and kindness. but when you do things you don't want to do, there's a negativity about it and bitterness and resentment often ensue. so the next time these latter feelings arise within you, check yourself. are you really doing what you want to do? and if the answer is no, what do you want to do? and how can you go about making this happen?

*i'm a full supporter of doing what you want so long as doing so doesn't take away someone's freedom nor causes them pain.