CHEATING

what does it mean to ‘cheat on someone’?

is it considered cheating to be attracted to someone else? to feel connected to someone else? to kiss someone else? what do you define as cheating? and is this your definition, or society’s?

can you control who you’re attracted to? who you feel connected to?

can we get all of our needs met from one person? if you think we can, why then do we have multiple friends? is it not because they each offer us something different? because we can’t get all of our emotional needs met from one person? why then do we think it’s possible to get all of our physical needs met from one person? is kissing someone who you feel attracted to really that wrong? or is it only perceived as wrong because of how society has conditioned us to view relationships and the behaviours within it?

humans are imperfect. humans are complex. but sometimes i think the rules we’ve created for our lives are too simplistic to follow - they set us up for failure. they set us up to be “bad people”.

i’ve been attracted to other girls whilst in relationships before. i’ve also thought about kissing them. and i’ve dreamt about having sex with them. i share this not to be judged, but to normalise what i suspect many of us experience as being human.

when your needs aren’t met in your relationship, which some of them won’t be, it’s only natural for your body and mind to seek that elsewhere. understanding your attraction to others is beautiful if you let it be - beautiful because it teaches you more about yourself and what is important to you.

so next time you feel attraction, become curious. what does this person possess that you’re so drawn to? having feelings doesn’t mean you need to act on them, but trying to suppress them will only strengthen them. allow what you feel to exist and exist without judgement.

ASK BEAUTIFUL QUESTIONS

the quality of your life is determined by the quality of the questions you ask.

often in life, we avoid asking the difficult questions. we avoid them because we're afraid of the answers. but it's only within this discomfort that something truly beautiful can evolve. what we need though, is the courage to lean into this discomfort and ask beautiful questions.

sarah wilson coined this phrase in her book, 'this one wild and precious life', and i fell in love with it. instead of asking, "why is this happening to me?" perhaps ask yourself, "okay life, what are you asking of me in this moment?"

instead of asking yourself, "what do i want to achieve?" perhaps ask yourself, "how can i have influence where i am with what i have?"

instead of, "what's my financial goal?" perhaps ask yourself, "how much money is enough money? what do you need, that you don't already have? and how much value would this 'thing' really add to my life?"

instead of, "how's work?" or "how's your relationship?" what about asking someone, "if you could think about anything, what would you think about?"

instead of blaming someone, ask yourself, "what need in me is not being met?" and "how can i go about fulfilling this need?"

instead of, "how's your day?" what about, "what's something that makes you feel alive? how can you go about doing more of this?"

instead of, "what do you do?" what about asking, "what are you searching for? why are you here?"

these are just a sample of beautiful questions i frequently ask not only of others, but also of myself. and it's within these questions that i find a deeper level of intimacy, a seeing and understanding of who that person is and what's important to them. so what beautiful questions have you asked of others? feel free to share your answers below.

ABSENCE OF TRUST

over the past couple of years, i've been fortunate to give a few team talks to the team i play soccer for, Salisbury Inter Soccer Club, and within these talks, there have been two main focal points: trust and safety.

Patrick Lencioni's five dysfunctions of a team and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs are my reference points. the former discusses that the primary dysfunction of a team is an absence of trust. without trust, people are afraid of conflict - this manifests as staying quiet in meetings, gossiping, cliques, and division between management and staff or coach and players. when people are afraid of conflict, they don't speak their mind. when people don't speak their mind or voice their opinion, they don't feel invested in the environment and there's hence, a lack of commitment. if individuals aren't committed to an environment, they certainly won't feel accountable when something goes wrong. and when this occurs, an inattention and indifference to results ensues - the individual becomes more important than the team.

so how does this tie into maslow's hierarchy of needs? well, how can a team establish trust? is trust a passive process or is it something that can be actively created? i believe the latter to be true but it's created within the second tier, within safe environments. i believe you can't have trust without safety and that's why so much of my focus within teams but also relationships in general, is about establishing a safe environment. on being a safe environment.

when people feel safe, they're more likely to be vulnerable. when people are vulnerable, that's when trust is founded. when trust is founded, people will speak their mind and conflict then prevents drama. and it's within this space of conflict resolution and vulnerability that people feel more connected; they become a team.

if this is something you think your team or workplace might benefit from, please get in contact with me about organising a time to have a chat. humans naturally want to get along - but when environments aren't suited for these behaviours to occur, individuality and selfishness become the dominant behaviours.