PEOPLE AREN'T AGAINST YOU, THEY'RE FOR THEMSELVES

read that again.

this is one of the most liberating phrases you will ever read.

often in life we tend to do two things - we tend to take things personally and we tend to make assumptions about others' lives. but the reality is, you will never fully understand anyone nor the reasoning behind their decisions. and especially not if one approaches the situation from a place of defensiveness and hurt.

i first came across this concept in 2012 when i read the art of happiness by the dalai lama. within these pages i realised that we as humans are all the same - we all have a heart, we all have a brain. and we all want the same two things - we all want happiness and we all want to avoid suffering. people's decisions then, are made to optimise their happiness and to minimise their suffering - they are NOT made to hurt you, nor to make your life more difficult.

so when someone's actions have upset you or hurt you, instead of projecting that pain onto them and questioning why they're doing this to you, approach it from a position of understanding - try to comprehend what might be going on in their life for them to be behaving the way they are.

rarely do people do things to hurt others - they do things to protect themselves. and when someone is struggling, which can sometimes result in isolating themselves or other self-sabotaging behaviours, they already feel shit. the last thing they need is to be made to feel worse for something they already feel.

so the next time you're upset by someone else's actions, try to remove yourself, your ego, and your hurt and instead try to accept, to understand, and to be compassionate.

I'M A FRAUD

for the past few months, i've devoted myself to training individuals to support others when they're struggling. but in particular, my focus has been on equipping individuals with skills to detect and support others who may be suicidal.

but as i sit here teaching this, i feel like a fraud. because late last year i had someone who was suicidal and i failed them. i saw the signs. i risk assessed. but i failed to do the most important thing - show up.

i was distracted. i had something, someone, new and exciting in my life and i failed to process the severity of the messages i was receiving. i was too caught up in myself that i let this person down. they needed someone, they needed me, and i wasn't there.

thankfully, this individual is still here today. and fortunately, they hold no resentment nor animosity towards me for failing them. but it still weighs heavily on my heart. especially because this is what i'm teaching, yet i failed when i was tested myself.

the reason for this post is not to seek sympathy nor to throw a pity party - i take responsibility for my actions or lack thereof and i share this because i too, am human. i too, am imperfect. and i too, will fail. despite all of my training, all of my experiences, in that moment i still failed. the challenge for me is to forgive myself. to forgive myself for being imperfectly human. and to use this as a lesson to never let someone down again.

RESPECT BOUNDARIES

i've been reflecting recently on some of my behaviour with specific regards to relationships, new and old. and i've been struggling to accept some of my actions as they counter the values i hold near and dear.

i write and talk often about choosing love, compassion, and understanding. and i consciously try to do this. but sometimes i fail. sometimes i'm not very warm or understanding or compassionate. and it leaves me feeling conflicted - how could i have chosen to love better through this?

despite this reflection, i also acknowledge that i'm human. and invariably coldness ensues when i'm pushed to a point of a heightened emotional state. and nothing will do this more than when others do not and cannot respect the boundaries i have amicably requested.

as i've mentioned before, @brenebrown states that the most compassionate people are also the most boundaried people - the people who clearly state how they want to be treated and don't do things they don't want to do. but what can you do when someone clearly ignores those boundaries? when someone isn't treating you how you've asked to be treated? is it possible to still remain compassionate when a compassionate and understanding approach has only led to this, a complete dismissal and disregard of personal boundaries?

i will always check myself and my behaviour, especially if i act contrary to the way in which i want to live my life. but at times, the humanness in me takes over. i become cold, short, harsh. and i don't do so out of hate, but out of frustration. frustration for not being heard. for feeling disrespected. so the next time someone acts coldly towards you, perhaps check yourself. are you respecting their boundaries? are you treating them how they've asked to be treated? because if you aren't, their behaviour becomes a consequence of your actions.

do you want someone to talk to you out of obligation, or do you want someone to talk to you out of desire? because the former will result in resentment and the latter in love. when you respect others' boundaries, you'll experience more love.