HOW DO YOU PROCESS THE END OF A RELATIONSHIP IF YOU AREN'T READY FOR THE RELATIONSHIP TO BE OVER?

break ups can be excruciating because they feel like a rejection of the self. how do you navigate such a difficult time whilst maintaining a sense of dignity? here are some tips to guide you.

1. listen. what does the other person want? are they open to working things out? if no, respect their boundaries. if yes, can you clearly identify the problems within your relationship and a path to rectify them?

2. lean on your friends and family. when things end, you'll go through a drug withdrawal. although being alone can help with learning more about yourself, often it's too painful right after a break up. keep yourself busy - text friends, see family, join a dating app for dopamine and validation, if you need.

3. identify what it is about the person you were drawn to. what attributes make them, them? focus on these rather than the person because chances are there'll be others who possess similar qualities.

4. grieve. give yourself permission to grieve not only your relationship and the memories you created with them, but also grieve the person you were with them. after one of my break ups i started a document titled, "everything you wish you could say but can't." this allowed me to express everything i was feeling in a non-judgemental, non-harming, and liberating manner.

5. deactivate socials. technology, in particular social media, can serve as a reminder of what you had but no longer do. deactivating social media removes the temptation to 'check up' on them and allows you a chance to heal. every time you see them, or their profile, it reopens those wounds and inhibits your ability to heal and move on.

6. practice compassion. i've found that trying to understand the other person helps me have compassion towards them and accept whatever has happened. they didn't do this to you, they're doing this for themselves and what makes them happy.

remember, the end of a relationship can take time to heal from. be patient. allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and give yourself the best opportunity to move on by following the above mentioned tips.

I DON'T NEED YOUR TOUGH LOVE, I JUST NEED YOUR LOVE

i was feeling a bit sorry for myself the other night. it started because i was cut from a professional soccer team...again. and although i was realistic about my actual chance of getting signed, the termination of the process didn't prevent me from feeling tired of being overlooked.

by no means is this a 'woe is me, my life is so hard' plea - it's not. but it's an, 'i'm human too' plea. and part of being human means that you need validation. and validation not just in the form of words, but in actions too.

people offer words because they're convenient. they're easy. they're risk-averse. taking a chance on someone? giving them an opportunity? advocating for them? that takes time, energy, and effort. and i understand those are commodities in scarce supply for many, but they're also commodities which are free. they cost you nothing, but what they provide for another could be invaluable.

and the old school 'tough love' mentality? i don't need it. and i'm sure many others don't either. just because i appear 'strong' or 'confident' doesn't negate the fact that i'm human, just like everyone else. i have needs, just like everyone else. i need recognition, just like everyone else.

so if there's a member of your team or in your workplace who stands out in their ability and actions - don't overlook them. even the strongest people are still people - and all people need validation. they all need love. and they all need support. it's hard to fight your own battles and to be your own advocate. but when you have others fighting with you? advocating for you? all of a sudden that person does feel valued. does feel worthy. does feel good enough. there's power in numbers so how can you be that number to someone? how can you help advocate for them? how can you be their difference?

A FRIEND FOR A LOVER

i always thought that to be with someone there had to be an initial spark. an initial attraction. an initial desire. my current relationship has challenged these beliefs - not only is it possible to later develop these feelings, but perhaps it's a more organic and genuine way of approaching a relationship.

when i met my current partner, there was nothing but a deep love and respect for her. i never saw her as more than a friend. she was the person i sought when i needed comfort. the person i kept wanting to hang out with. and the person i wanted to move in. but as a friend, not a lover.

during the first six months that she lived with me, i was in a relationship with someone else. and so our friendship was strictly that - friends. neither of us allowed our thoughts to consider feelings for the other. instead, we were able to get to know one another without any ulterior motive - i showed her the worst sides of me, and she of her. and the best part? we accepted the other. because that's what we do with friends - we accept them unconditionally.

why does this change for a partner? it's as though when we meet someone we're romantically interested in, we have expectations of who we want them to be and how we want them to behave. but is that accepting them as they are? is that the most organic way to get to know someone?

take dating apps - you're on there looking for a partner or a fling. so when you meet this person, you're asking, "do i like them?" "could i sleep with them?" yet, you know nothing about them. do you ever meet a stranger and ask, "will this person be my friend?" probably not. and that's because we allow friendships to unfold naturally - but for relationships, we're always in a rush to label and define it.

that's where i feel extremely lucky - i was able to get to know my partner platonically for a year before anything transpired. within that year, we saw every colour of each other. we saw these colours without filters. without reservations. because neither of us intended nor expected for the friendship to transpire. and to me, that's the most pure and organic way to find someone. and, it's also been the most rewarding.