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humans need structure. we need purpose. without either, we end up meandering through life, searching and seeking but never finding.

as i enter this new phase of my life where i am not working, not volunteering, not doing anything other than playing soccer, i find myself struggling. it's not that i don't have purpose, i do. the big-picture purpose of this time is to write my book, a book that i hope will add value to others' lives. the other purpose is to focus on my business. a business that i also believe will add value to others' lives. i have purpose, but i don't have structure.

every day, i have hours upon hours to write. i have what many others dream of having: an abundance of time. but it's this abundance of time that has become crippling. crippling because there's no urgency. no deadline. and no sense of achievement when i do write. see, my purpose is infinite; it's long-term. but humans need to feel purpose in their daily lives. we need to feel like the work we're doing is of value. is of meaning. we need reinforcement. checkpoints. we need to feel like we're contributing to something bigger than ourselves. i find myself writing 10 pages in a day, only to dread reading what i've written. writing a book is not like writing an instagram post. a book is lengthy. it requires edits upon edits upon edits. it requires patience. it requires structure. it requires things i've never really been good at.

when i write these posts, they're short and succinct. they have a point. everything is summed up neatly. a book, however, doesn't follow this structure. someone can read 200 pages and only remember one thing you've written. a book requires a commitment to the purpose without reinforcement along the way.

and it's this lack of reinforcement, this lack of contributing to something bigger than myself, this lack of structure that i'm struggling with. this experience is making me appreciate all the books i have read - we only ever see the finished product. we don't see the struggle. we don't see the journey. we don't see the torment. we don't see how eerily close someone was to giving up. something i find myself battling with every day.

humans need structure. we need a sense of purpose. we need validation along the way. without them, we end up feeling unfulfilled. unproductive. we end up questioning ourselves, our decisions, our lives. it's in this space i currently reside.

a space i'm trying not to succumb to. this book, my business, perhaps they're too much. too out of reach.

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