COMPARE THE PAIR

the first photo was taken on July 30th, 2018 weighing in at 73.4kg. the second photo was taken today, May 30th, 2019 at 66.4kg. so what’s my secret?

STRESS.

but it’s not what you think. i didn’t lose the weight because i was stressed, i PUT ON weight because i was stressed. look at where the weight is distributed - mainly around my stomach and vital organs. so what was i so stressed about?

making it.

last year, i had one goal in mind: to make Adelaide United. so everything i did during the year, was to give me the best chance possible of making it. from everything i ate, to everything i thought about, i was consumed by this one goal. but it was a shit goal. why? because i was never in control of it.

i knew i had to lose weight so i could be quicker. i knew i had to be quicker to compete with my peers. yet, i couldn’t lose weight no matter what i tried. no matter how much i restricted food, no matter how much i trained, i only continued to put on weight.

it wasn’t until i was released from the squad and released from my fixation of “making it” that the weight almost immediately shed from my body. ten months later and i’m still playing soccer but with one major difference: i’m playing to have fun, not to make it. and it shows in my body. and it’s showing in my performance.

moral of the story: if you are going to set goals, set goals that are within your control. be conscious of the energy you’re putting out - is it one of abundance, or is it one of deficiency? stress, pressure, and expectations can and will destroy your journey as well as your health.

Men and women are fundamentally different

In light of the Alen Stajcic dismissal and his proceeding media statement surrounding the team culture, I wonder, is it possible that he didn’t actually know how bad the culture was? Or perhaps, he didn’t want to know because accepting that there was a huge cultural problem would mean accepting that he was potentially responsible for it. And that’s a pretty tough pill to swallow.

I’ve seen this time and time again with coaches, but specifically with male coaches. Invariably when I’ve had conversations with them about team culture, it’s fallen on deaf ears. They genuinely don’t see that there’s a problem. And if they can’t see that there’s a problem, they definitely won’t be able to fix it. The coaches that I’ve had seem to have this belief that in order to fix team culture, they have to fix the “big” things – they have to hire a sports psychologist. They have to do team bonding. They have to establish team values. But it’s not the big things that create a successful team culture, it’s the little things. It’s acknowledging your players. It’s getting to know them as people, not just disposable players. It’s listening to what they have to say. And it’s making them feel valued. Ignoring them at training? Ignoring them when they get injured and are of no “playing” use to you? That’s a guaranteed way to create a dysfunctional, selfish team and that’s something quite a few coaches seem to specialise in.

I truly believe one of the main reasons men struggle to coach women is because they don’t understand them; they believe they can coach women in the same way they coach men. But here’s the reality: men and women are fundamentally different. The one thing that women want more than anything else on a team? Fairness. The one thing that men want more than anything else on a team? To win. If the best player on the team hasn’t trained all week, women do not want them to play, whereas most men wouldn’t care. Women want what’s fair because they want to feel valued. They want to feel like they matter. They want to feel like their efforts are being acknowledged, that they are being acknowledged. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Yet coaches seem to completely dismiss this need. So from double standards, team division occurs. What makes coaching women challenging then, is ensuring that things are fair. And why is this so hard? Because it means that the coaches have to be transparent in their decisions, they have to be honest, and they have to be consistent. People with big egos, which I’ve experienced countless times with my male coaches compared to female coaches, don’t like to be challenged. They don’t like to be held accountable. And they don’t like to be questioned. They have to be in control.

So what’s the most detrimental quality on a team? According to The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, by Patrick Lencioni, it’s the absence of trust. Without trust, there’ll be a fear of conflict (the second dysfunction). Without conflict, people won’t express how they truly feel. If people don’t express how they feel, there’ll be a lack of commitment (third dysfunction). If people haven’t contributed, there’ll be an absence of accountability (fourth dysfunction) and if there’s no accountability, then the team will be individual-result focused rather than team-result focused (fifth dysfunction).

So if trust is the most important quality in creating a successful team culture, how do you create it? Isn’t that something that we just feel over time when we get to know someone? Or are there specific elements that need to be established before trust can be experienced? According to Frances Frei in her TED talk on How to build (and rebuild) trust, there are three parts to trusting someone:

1. authenticity – if you sense I am being authentic, you are more likely to trust me

2. thorough logic – if you sense I have real rigor in my logic, you are more likely to trust me

3. empathy – if you believe my empathy is directed towards you, you are more likely to trust me.

The most common element that falters is the last one – most people find it hard to believe that someone is in it for them and not just themselves. And in our forever increasing self-indulgent culture, that really isn’t a surprise. So how can we overcome this? And how can we get someone to trust us?

From my experiences, I’ve found that trust is synonymous with safety. When we feel safe in another’s presence, we’re much more likely to trust them. To be open with them. To be vulnerable with them. And safety, I believe, also has three parts: non-judgement, non-reaction, and time (or effort). So how does this apply to your teammates? Well teammates need to know that you’re there for them, not yourself. Being intentional with acknowledging their presence or encouraging them when they do something great on the field makes them feel valued. Makes them feel seen. And it makes them feel a part of something bigger than themselves.

And that’s why it’s so detrimental when a coach ignores a player, through injury, through deselection, or simply because they don’t like them. It makes that individual feel invisible. And so their focus, instead of being on the team, will be on themselves. This is also why it’s so detrimental when a coach yells at a player for making a mistake, because it eradicates that safety element. No human will ever reach their excellence if they’re constantly worried about their survival. And yet, coaches continue to yell. They continue to threaten. They continue to intimidate. And they continue to target an individual’s character as being the reason for their mistakes. Coaches act as though individuals intentionally try to fuck up. And there’s no logic to that. Because everyone, at any given time, is always doing the best they can given the resources they have. So if a player or a team isn’t succeeding, then that suggests there is something, some obstacle, prohibiting them from doing so. And perhaps that obstacle is actually the coach. But how many coaches do you know think like this? That take responsibility rather than blame? That aren’t afraid to admit when they’re wrong? If your experiences have been anything like mine, you’ll probably be struggling to find any examples.

Although it is much easier to coach people to conform and to reward them for saying what you want them to say, it’s imperative to learn to celebrate differences (Francis Frei). Without alternative views, who’s to say that your way is the best way of doing something? As a coach, just because you might have age and experience on your side, that doesn’t mean that you always have the best answer. Having an openness to ideas that might perhaps challenge yours is essential in making players feel valued. Making them feel like they matter. And if players feel that, they’re more likely to be there for the team and not just themselves. And if they’re more likely to be there for the team? Then you probably have a successful team culture.

The importance of feeling valued

Valued. We all want to feel it. We all need to feel it. Feeling valued means we feel seen. It means that we feel safe. It means that instead of focusing on how we can survive, we can focus externally on how we can thrive. And when we don’t feel valued in a particular environment, whether that’s in our family, our relationships, sports teams, or work environments, we’ll either seek that feeling elsewhere or we’ll internalise and focus purely on our survival.

And that’s counterintuitive. We as humans want to help others. We want to grow and develop. But when we can’t, that invariably means there is something in our environment that is prohibiting that development. But that thought? That there’s something wrong with the environment and not the individual? That’s confronting. Because we’ve been so conditioned into believing that it’s the individual, not the environment, with the problem.

I’ve spent my entire life feeling like this on my soccer teams – that I was the one with the problem. I spent four years in America trying to change the culture. I invested my heart and soul into that program and it almost destroyed me. I changed my approach every year – I tried to be the vocal, outspoken, realistic leader and I was coined “negative nancy”. So the following year, I took a positive, encouraging approach. But I was shut down any time I tried to stand up. So then I backed off, I sought out other leaders to be vocal and then I was told I didn’t care about the team. It seemed that no matter what I tried, it was never going to be right. So it made me question, can you be a leader when you have no followers? Isn’t the whole purpose of being a leader to lead others?

So then I moved back to Australia and I signed with a team who seemed very adamant on having me. The coach immediately asked me to be part of the leadership group because she saw that I was a leader. Finally, I thought. Someone who values me. But I was wrong. I wasn’t valued, on or off the field. Can you be a leader if you’re not given an opportunity to lead? It’s one thing to give someone the title, but are you allowing them to have any input?

And so continued the feeling that I didn’t belong. And that there was something wrong with me. Because how couldn’t there be? Of all the teams I’ve played for, I was still the one who felt like I didn’t belong, no one else felt like that. Until about three weeks ago when I signed with my current team. I chose this team purely for the coach because she saw me. She understood me. But most importantly, she valued me. And not just with her words.

At trainings and in games, she’s given me what no other coach has felt secure enough to do; freedom. She wants me to share ideas, to coach the other girls, and to offer feedback. In regards to playing, she wants me getting forward because she sees I have certain strengths that add value to a team. Every other coach I’ve had has been very explicit about me not getting forward, or dribbling with the ball. I was a defender tied to the defence. And that strike I have? Who cares – that’s an attribute confined to trainings.

Not only has the coach fully embraced me for all that I am, but so too have the players. I immediately feel like I have something I’ve fought so hard to possess over the years: respect. And trust. As liberating as this has been, to finally be in an environment in which I feel I can prosper, there’s a touch of bitterness and resentment associated with it. Bitterness because for years, I’ve been made to believe, from coach’s decisions or lack of, that I wasn’t good enough. That I was the one with the problem. That I needed to change. I’ve considered quitting so many times because I’ve been overlooked more times than I can count. And I’m angry about that; angry that I’ve been made to feel like I wasn’t good enough. That there was something wrong with me. Because now I realise, perhaps it wasn’t me. Perhaps I’ve just never been in an environment in which I’ve been truly valued for all that I am.

I look around me and I see this all too often, the fundamental attribution error; the tendency to underestimate environmental influences and overestimate dispositional influences on individual's behaviour (Myers, 2011). If a person isn’t succeeding, maybe it actually has nothing to do with them and everything to do with their environment. Do they feel safe? Do they feel valued? Why are these questions never asked? Because it means people have to look in the mirror before they can look elsewhere. And it’s easier to blame, than it is to be held accountable. For coaches and people, in general, that are insecure? That’s as realistic as trying to baptise a cat. It won’t happen. So what you’re left with is a dysfunctional team where members don’t feel a part of anything. Where they feel like there’s something wrong with them. Where, instead of focusing on their team and helping them succeed, they’re focused on themselves and how they can survive.

In another area of my life, I’ve been reminded of just how painful it is to be misunderstood. To be judged based on nothing other than another’s perception of you. We all hear the same advice, “Who cares what others think of you? Just do you and forget the rest.” Reality is, we all care what others think of us. Especially when others’ judgements start to affect those relationships closest to us. I would love to say I’ve been surrounded by people who stand up for me when rumours arise, but the majority of people thrive on the drama. So instead of checking the source, they spread the gossip. Until it ends up destroying relationships.

What if, instead of discussing people, people discussed ideas? What if, instead of judging someone for their actions, you questioned them with an open curiosity to better understand their intentions? I find openness so attractive, because it’s malleable. And it’s safe. There’s no judgement in openness, because there’s no attachment to ones’ beliefs. Perhaps my way of thinking isn’t the best, perhaps you do actually know better. I’ve been questioning a lot recently and I’m finding that my questioning is being misinterpreted. Sometimes I forget that people will always perceive what they want to perceive, no matter how clearly you communicate; “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” I suppose what’s important then, is to find those people who don’t judge. Who do have that openness. And who do value you, for all your little nuances.

I’m beyond grateful, and excited, to finally feel valued on this team. And I have my coach to thank for that. She saw in me what no other coach has, but which has been within me all along. So if you ever feel like there’s something wrong with you, perhaps it isn’t you at all and just the environment that you’re in. We’ve been taught to “stick things out” when they’re not going well, but I think that’s shit advice. If it’s not working, there’s obviously a reason for that. And perhaps it’s as simple as you’re not compatible with the environment because your needs of feeling valued and of being seen, aren’t being met. So I encourage you to find that environment. But better yet, I encourage you to be that environment. Value someone? Tell them. Someone’s impacted you? Tell them. Someone’s made your day just a little brighter? Tell them. We crave feeling valued, but too often our value goes unspoken. I have no idea who reads these posts, except for the people who actively like and comment on them. And although I don’t write for validation or reassurance, those things help with conviction that you are on the right path. But most importantly, those things help with fulfilling a basic human need: feeling valued.