TRAUMA

how do you ever get over something that's happened to you?

trauma permanently changes the brain. it changes the way you think, feel, and process everything around you. it takes your openness to the world and makes it smaller. every day, on some overt or covert level, becomes changed. instead of living in freedom, you start living in fear. i've often thought, isn't it so sad that one event can permanently change the rest of your life? is there any way to overcome what's happened so you can return to living freely?

i'm not sure there is any way you can 'get over' what's happened; this trauma has become your new reality. there's no way to untangle those neural pathways. so i think the language around trauma needs to change; it's not something people need to 'resolve' or 'get over' - it's something to make friends with and accept. recovery isn't finite; it's infinite.

i've seen people close to me suffer heinous traumatic experiences. and i see how it continues to affect them long after the actual event. although i've never experienced anything similar, my only ability to empathise is how tearing my acls permanently changed my thought processes.

when i'm at work, i'm conscious of how i walk. when i play soccer, i’m afraid of tearing it again. when i'm standing around, there's a fear my knee will give way. no matter how many times it doesn't happen, the trauma of my injuries has seared that fear into my neural pathways. so i can't begin to imagine what it must be like for those who have experienced other traumatic events.

i don't think trauma is anything people ever fully heal from - and by heal i mean in the form of forgetting. because trauma permanently changes your brain, it becomes a part of you. it leaves scars. i'm not sure trying to overcome it is the solution - i think learning to live with it, to accept it, and to understand its role in who you've become is more attainable.

although trauma undoubtedly makes your world smaller, it doesn't make you or your value in this world any less. what happened to you is not your fault and i hope one day all of you who have experienced a traumatic experience don't just know that, but believe it too.

PEOPLE ARE MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER

in the face of tragedy, humans have a tendency to view the severity of it on the lives lost. but what this does is it minimises those people to just a number; a statistic. it dehumanises the tragedy of losing any life.

and this is what we're currently experiencing with this pandemic. every day reports are being released on those hospitalised and those who have unfortunately lost their lives. when you look at the numbers, you might think that this virus is nothing to be feared - it's cost the economy a lot over the past couple of years and as some people might ask, for what? to save a 'few people's lives'?

from an objective standpoint, i get it. from an emotional one, i do not. what i'm finding with this pandemic is the separation within society; the divide between humans. the first things people want to know when they learn about a hospitalisation or a death is, were they vaccinated? did they have underlying health concerns? it's as though their vaccination status or health history justifies their tragic fate. it's as though it gives us a sense of control in a world where right now, a lot of us don't feel very in control.

and it's easy to do this when we're not personally affected. it's easy to take this 'stand-offish', scientific, numbers approach. but what if one of those numbers was your grandparent? your partner? your mum? your dad? would you still be thinking, "oh well, that's unfortunate"? or would you be devastated?

the reality is, there's still so much we don't know about this virus. and it's the unknown that's scary. no one knows how anyone is going to be affected when/if they get covid-19. whether you're vaccinated or not, to me, doesn't detract from the tragedy of losing lives to this virus. so instead of trying to justify the numbers as though they're a result of individuals' decisions, what if we tried to empathise? empathise with those in fear, those that are hospitalised, or those who are mourning the loss of someone who has passed?

a loss of human life is still a loss of life. please try to remember that.

SUPPORT, DON'T HELP

why is it important to distinguish the difference between the two? because the latter is finite focused; the former infinite focused.

so what does that actually mean? when help is offered, it is often intended to be as a once-off or for a specified duration. there is invariably a goal or a clearly defined destination in mind; a problem that needs to be fixed. helping someone also unintentionally communicates that the other person is struggling, that they're deficient or inferior in some way and you have the power to help them; thus a power imbalance ensues.

supporting someone, however, has no pre-defined timeframe. the destination or goal is not clearly stated nor known, nor is it always attainable. supporting someone insinuates a journey, a process, something in which you accompany them on, not help them solve.

often when we talk about mental health, we talk about people needing help. but i want to challenge that notion - what if they don't need help, what if instead all they need is support? support from those around them, from peers, family, from people who are equal to them.

as anyone who has struggled with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, addiction or other mental health conditions would know, there isn't a 'cure' for these struggles. and there often isn't a 'before' and 'after' - there's just a continual experience; a 'during'.

what we need then, is to let go of this notion of being able to help someone and instead embrace the idea of supporting them, as an equal, as they navigate their life with their struggles. being attached to this notion of helping them will only leave you disappointed - what happens if they don't reach that goal? if they don't get better? if they relapse? have you really helped then? or does it make you feel like a failure?

so instead of offering to help someone, perhaps ask how you can support them. not only will this liberate you from being their sole responsibility, but it will also empower them to overcome their struggles.

so, how are you choosing to support those in your life?