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we teach others how to treat us by what we reinforce and what we punish. so when someone acts adversely towards you or towards another and we choose to do nothing, we're actually doing something. we're telling that person that how they're behaving is okay; we're reinforcing their actions.


B.F. Skinner, a famous psychologist and behaviourist, coined this operant conditioning. he believed that our behaviours are a product of what's been reinforced and punished throughout our lives.


how many times have you experienced or witnessed something adverse and chosen not to say anything, to 'keep the peace'? inaction is action. it's reinforcing. if someone's behaviour is not sufficiently punished when it is out of line, i can guarantee that individual will repeat that behaviour. and probably with more potency and pain too.


when people witness something adverse, their response is often to not get involved. to not choose a side. but no side is taking a side. what we don't stand up for, we're agreeing with. keeping the peace does nothing more than reinforce to the perpetrator that their behaviour is okay. human beings have an innate ability to know what is right and just, but by not involving oneself in situations that are unjust, we are saying it's okay to treat others poorly; to be unjust.


so how do you punish someone's behaviour? firstly; focus on the behaviour, not the person. secondly; be firm. the punishment has to be severe enough to deter that individual from attempting that behaviour again. any weak stance ends up being reinforcing. thirdly; be consistent. any inconsistent punishment will also serve to reinforce their behaviour because the individual will think there's a chance they can get away with it. fourthly; be prompt. any delay in the delivery means the individual will not associate their behaviour with the punishment. and lastly; punishment is more successful when something is taken away (negative punishment). so if someone has said something adverse, cease communication for a period of time. this time and space also provides a platform for the individual to reflect and take accountability for their actions.


so what behaviour in your life have you been inadvertently reinforcing? and how can you apply these principles of punishment to alter that individual's behaviour? remember, inaction is action. no side is a side. and a friend to all is a friend to none. do you choose comfort or do you choose what's right?


"in the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr

i've often been thinking about how you can make people feel valued without costing an organisation a lot of money. here are some ideas:


1. say hello and goodbye

every morning, every shift, every day. be intentional about acknowledging your peers. what this does is communicates that you see them; they're important.

2. uniforms

make sure they look like everyone else. the first thing i do with any new players at our club is organise for them to get a training shirt. it's a small gesture, but it makes people feel like they belong, like they're a part of the team.

3. appreciation

be intentional about showing your appreciation, no matter how small their efforts might seem. if it's been a really difficult shift, thank them for their efforts. if they've been struggling, thank them for still showing up. you have to reinforce the good - if you don't, people will stop trying.

4. listen

listen to their ideas. listen to their suggestions. and better yet, implement some of them. one person doesn't have all of the answers. tapping into your team's knowledge and perspectives is a superpower, use it.

5. acknowledge

take steps to actively acknowledge someone's value. offer them a pay rise before they ask. treat them fairly. stick to your word. be integral and proactive.

6. support

actively support your people with their other interests - watch one of their games, buy one of their paintings, share their work. write a post on social media introducing them.

7. food

offer them food. or at the very least, offer them breaks. your staff are human. humans have needs. if they're hungry or tired, i can guarantee they won't be operating optimally.


this is by no means an exhaustive list, but it's a list i've created based on the times in which i've felt both valued, and undervalued. what others ways have you felt valued?

over the past couple of months, i've really struggled with who i am. i've lost sight of my values. i've become fixated on things that i didn't think were important to me. i've become someone i didn't like.


the truth is, sometimes i get jealous. sometimes i shut down. sometimes i snap. sometimes i get angry. and i get angry at the people who haven't done anything wrong. this pains me because it goes against everything i believe in regards to being warm and compassionate. but as much as i wish i didn't do these things, i have to accept that part of being human means there might be times when you're not the person you want to be.


this is not from a lack of will - i can't think of anyone who would consciously choose to be someone they hated. it's usually because there are things in their way, environments that are unserving, or unresolved feelings perhaps, that are preventing that individual from thriving.


so as shit as these feelings are, they're necessary. necessary because they remind us that we're human. remind us of what's important. and remind us that we will always have room for improvement.


so the next time you find yourself slipping into someone you don't like, take a moment to reflect - to ask yourself what's really going on. what's really upsetting you. anger is not a feeling to be feared, it's a feeling to be used to fight for a better world. what angers us is what fuels us. find the source of that anger and use it to become a better version of you.

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