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"many people are afraid to heal because their entire identity is centred around the trauma they've experienced. they have no idea who they are outside of trauma and that can be terrifying." @eboneedavis

for the past three years i've spoken about finding an agent for soccer so i can pursue some of my childhood dreams of playing w-league and a more recent dream of playing in italy. in 2019, i spent the entire year and countless hours re-watching games, cropping highlights, and writing individualised cover letters to w-league coaches. i asked my S&C coach at the time to please help me - he had contacts and had offered this service to others so i didn't think it was a stretch to ask him to help me. i had a fantastic season - i performed well and my highlight video looked pretty good. but, i had no interest.

i had no interest, but i also had no advocate. there was no incentive for my S&C coach to help me - i wasn't a rising star, i wasn't a super talented individual, but what i had above talent, youth, and speed were character, a work ethic, and experience. three things you can't teach. but things not many coaches seem to care about when winning and losing is all that matters.

in 2020, i was just excited to be playing again. after re-tearing my acl in late 2019, i was forced to let go of my dreams. i became grateful for every minute i got to play because it was a minute more than i thought i would get again. but in 2021, i had another fantastic season. with both my team and on an individual level. my coach backed me - believed i could be playing w-league. but again, nothing came to fruition. instead, i am seeing girls i played with 10 years ago, girls who can't even play in their local wnpl, playing for other w league teams.

"i need an agent."

i've been saying this for the past six months. it's the hot trend at the moment too. everyone has an agent. i asked my coach if he knew of any agents and he said yes. but i didn't ask more. i've asked friends if they know of any agents and they've given me a name, but i haven't sent that message. so, what's stopping me?

fear. fear on a multitude of different levels. i'm afraid of putting myself through what i've been through so many times before - of holding on to hope, only to be disappointed by the system. i'm afraid that i might be given an opportunity, only to be deemed not good enough, or not fast enough. i'm afraid of the work that is involved in playing at that level. i'm afraid of going down that path; the path of commitment and politics. and i think on some subconscious level, i'm afraid to let go of the story i've been telling myself.

for the past 10 years i've been overlooked by the system. these experiences have been the foundation of so much of my writing and life philosophies - my "unsuccess story". but what if i finally achieve what i've wanted to achieve? does that invalidate all that i've written and believed? does that make me just like everyone else who's writing from a position of having 'made it'? am i intentionally sabotaging myself, by being passive rather than active, just to validate this internal schema i've developed?

in life, we regret more of what we don't do than what we do do. if i don't try now, i will become too old. i have a small window to make something happen. so, it's time i sent that message. it's time i stopped being passive. it's time i started to re-write this story i've been telling myself.

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