despite my recent posts on confidence and knowing your value, that’s not to say everything is always sunshine and rainbows in the world of nicole’s mind. i still have darkness, i still have doubts, and i still question my value.
having confidence is easy when you have the job position you want, you’re with the partner you desire, and you’re selected for the team you’ve always dreamed of playing for. but having confidence when you have none of those things? that’s the real challenge. and that’s where real change occurs.
i’ve been overlooked in almost every area of my life recently and as much as i can constantly rationalise that it’s “their loss”, i’m still human. i still question whether there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.
am i really the person i think i am? am i really as great as my friends perceive? am i really the leader i claim to be? or is there something about me, about my personality, that acts as a repellant? how else do you explain being continually overlooked in environments you thought valued you?
not only does self-doubt make you feel shit, but it also affects your performance. and once your performance faulters, that only aids in the process of feeling terrible about yourself.
i’m aware of this spiral. and i acknowledge it’s probably not reality. but it’s what i feel. and i’m trying to find peace in this doubt. to accept that this doubt is an essential part of my growth. an essential part of staying humble and grounded. it’s important to check yourself - but it’s equally as important not to dwell on it. just as the sun needs the moon, so too does confidence need doubt. and it’s in this doubt i currently reside.